


touchstone

by andromedagalaxy



Series: Philkas College Verse [59]
Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2019-04-26 00:29:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14390310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andromedagalaxy/pseuds/andromedagalaxy
Summary: “I hope they put our luggage on this plane,” Lukas says.“They did.”“Oh, did they tell you that?”“I’m gonna kill you,” Philip laughs.“Not before we see the Grand Canyon together,” Lukas says.“Okay deal,” Philip says. “Right after.” He kisses Lukas’s forehead. “You want me to drive when we get there? It should only be about an hour, a little over if our map is right.”“Oh, you’re wanting to drive now?” Lukas asks. “We gonna pull over again?”Philip raises his eyebrows. “That was a very special post-wedding mood.”“You need to get into the honeymoon mood,” Lukas says. “Because this is our literal honeymoon. This is why I wanted to go to the Keys or something more…romantic.”“This is gonna be really romantic,” Philip says. “Those sunset pictures—God, I’m gonna die.”(Final installment in Philkas college verse)





	touchstone

**Author's Note:**

> [](http://tinypic.com?ref=1zb3tsh)  
> 
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for this beautiful art compilation that encompasses college verse. Much love to @ahikuboruchi, @smolbeanaddict, @ilanakashi3 and @steorie <3

Lukas sits on the floor outside the laundry room, his computer in his lap and Izzy snoring by his feet. Samson is currently laying in the kitchen, making good work of de-stuffing the daffodil toy. 

Lukas has what looks like eight hundred tabs open, and he keeps looking down at his dad’s e-mail on his phone. “Babe,” Lukas says, clicking on the tab with the list of hiking trails in the Grand Canyon’s south rim. “Philip.”

“Yeah?” Philip asks, from inside his makeshift dark room.

“I’m pretty sure that this trip is gonna kill us,” Lukas says, looking over all the hikes and their descriptions. “Strenuous, intense, taxing, arduous—we could literally die on any of these.”

“It’d be a good way to go out,” Philip says. “Really pretty last view, you and the Grand Canyon.”

Lukas huffs. “Maybe Dad has been lying about loving us so much and is really trying to send us to our deaths. I’m really thinking that after looking through all this shit. And listen, listen to this—” Lukas says, holding up his phone a little bit. “Dad is like—‘try to go to Elves Chasm waterfall, it’s beautiful’ and I look it up and yeah, it is beautiful—and then I look up how to get there from where we are and it’s like ‘this challenging _five day loop_ is considered by many to be the most difficult of the established south side hikes, appropriate for experienced canyon hikers with basic canyoneering skills’—Philip, what the fuck is canyoneering? I’ve never even heard that word. Dad is out of his goddamn mind.”

Lukas can hear Philip laughing. “So cute that he’s trying to find us a waterfall! Is there another way to get to it?” he asks.

Lukas rolls his eyes. “I don’t know, I’m looking—I don’t think so.” He sighs. “I’m gonna pick out a different waterfall.”

“We don’t have to go to a waterfall if it’s too difficult,” Philip’s voice says.

“I definitely…want to,” Lukas says. “We’ve gotta apply for permits and shit so I’m trying to decide it all today.”

“We need to go buy supplies,” Philip calls. “I need to get those Lifeproof cases so any water doesn’t ruin our phones. Oh and I’m sure you know this, but I’m not at all up for any white water rafting.”

Lukas smiles a little bit. “Yeah, I wasn’t even touching that.”

“But other than that, we’re gonna be adventurers!” Philip says.

“Yeah, right,” Lukas says, clicking over and looking at pictures of people attached to ropes and shit. “I don’t know why he couldn’t have booked us, like—a vacation to the Keys or something. Or that Atlantis place in the Bahamas we’re always seeing the commercials for.”

The door opens and Philip comes out, holding the laundry basket full of folded clothes.

“You did laundry too?” Lukas asks, looking up at him.

“I just took the stuff out of the dryer,” Philip says, closing the door behind him. “The pictures are hanging up so I’m done for now.”

Lukas pats Izzy on the head as he gently gets up, carrying his laptop and following Philip into the bedroom. “I just don’t know how to plan this trip,” Lukas says. “I feel like I need to search ‘ways to have fun in the Grand Canyon and not die’.”

Philip snorts, starting to put away their clothes. “It’s gonna be awesome,” he says. “And so romantic.”

“Yeah,” Lukas says, perching on the edge of the bed. “I’m sure me bleeding out next to the Colorado River is gonna be super romantic.”

“Shut up,” Philip says, smiling over his shoulder. “Don’t even say shit like that out loud.”

Lukas laughs and keeps searching. “I’m gonna help you put that away,” he says, absent mindedly.

“Sure, I totally believe you,” Philip says, deadpan.

Lukas doesn’t respond because he comes across a page on sunset helicopter tours. They’re a little pricey, but he won the race last weekend and added a hefty prize check to their already substantial savings account. “How’s a helicopter tour sound?”

Philip turns around and raises his eyebrows. “That could be really cool.”

“Yeah, I think it’s going on the list,” Lukas says, opening up his notepad doc and adding it to the rest of his ideas. He knows he’s gotta start getting their permits like, today. It seems like the helicopter thing can be booked any time within the week if he wants to get it by their vacation dates. Lukas opens up his map again and a smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. He glances up at Philip. “We could always run by Vegas after we do all our Canyon stuff.”

Philip makes a noise from deep in his throat as he puts some of Lukas’s plaid shirts in the top drawer. “Lukas, we’re never going back there again.”

“We should totally go back for our first anniversary,” Lukas says, continuing to pick at him. 

“Never. Again.”

Lukas laughs and puts his laptop aside, getting up and walking over to their dresser. “Okay,” he says, taking a handful of Philip’s boxers and putting them in his underwear drawer. “I’m gonna make a real live itinerary for this trip.”

Philip looks at him incredulously. “You’re gonna be organized?”

“Yup,” Lukas nods. “For the least relaxing honeymoon ever.”

Philip scoffs. “It’s gonna be amazing.”

“For Dad’s sake,” Lukas says, grabbing a few pairs of jeans, “it better be.”

~

They’re in the sporting goods store and Lukas keeps loading more and more things into the backpack Philip is wearing.

“They’re gonna think we’re stealing this shit,” Philip says, looking over his shoulder at Lukas.

“We need to see what’s gonna fit,” Lukas says. “Anyways, the backpack is from here too.”

“Half of the stuff is still in its plastic,” Philip says, laughing. He waddles away from Lukas to where their cart is and he peers into it. “I don’t know why we have most of this—we literally have a cabin. We’re not gonna be struggling to survive out in the wilderness.”

“Philip,” Lukas says, walking over and taking him by the shoulders. “We could get stuck in the bottom of a gorge somewhere, and we’d be happy we had this stuff.”

“You have three bedrolls,” Philip says, looking up at him with his eyes narrowed. “Who’s the third person? Is your dad coming with us?”

“It’s extra just in case!” Lukas exclaims.

Philip huffs at him, pulling away and rummaging through the pile of stuff. “Two first aid kits? Four flashlights—personal—personal locator beacon? Where did you even get this?”

“A couple aisles back,” Lukas says, his cheeks coloring a little bit. 

“I doubt it’s gonna be this serious,” Philip says, laughing. “It was a bunch of old people that took those videos we were watching yesterday.”

“Yeah, old athletic people,” Lukas says. 

“Let’s go jogging every day until we go,” Philip says, meeting his eyes.

“I don’t think a week of jogging is gonna do much,” Lukas says.

“It’ll do more than a week of sitting around eating cupcakes and watching TV,” Philip says. He takes the backpack off and it swings down, heavy in his hands. 

“Don’t mock my cupcake intake,” Lukas says. He sighs, looking around. “Okay, let’s start towards the front. We need to grab venom extractor and toilet paper.”

“Toilet paper?” Philip exclaims, as he heaves the backpack into the cart next to Lukas’s and starts dumping the stuff out. “We’re shitting in the Grand Canyon now?”

Lukas laughs, grinning. “I want to get everything on the essentials list.”

“Oh my God, you’re crazy,” Philip laughs. “We’re not even gonna be able to get all of this shit on the plane.”

“Um, don’t act like you’re not aware of my packing abilities,” Lukas says, bumping into Philip’s hip.

~

He does manage to get it all packed, though it takes the two of them sitting on top of both suitcases to get them closed. The night before their flight they take the dogs on a long walk and then give them extra treats to make up for the time they’ll be gone, though Lukas knows they always have a good time whenever they get to hang out with Angela and her gang of dogs. She’d recently gotten another one, a corgi, and Lukas has no idea how she functions with so many crazy dogs running around.

Lukas has never been a big fan of flying but it’s a lot easier to do when Philip is with him. He’s surprisingly good at it, checking in, going through security, the whole deal. The flight attendants always seem to flock to him, and Lukas watches as he gets two free cheese boxes just by batting his eyelashes.

“How do you do that shit?” Lukas whispers into his ear, as far away from the sleeping businessman by the window as he can be. 

“I’m just nice,” Philip says, handing Lukas one of the boxes.

“No, it’s gotta be more than that,” Lukas says, already ripping open the box and fishing for the slices of cheddar. “These things cost six bucks each.”

“Don’t know,” Philip says, shrugging, a smug look on his face. “I mentioned the layover, feeling exhausted…you heard me.”

Lukas just looks at him. He figures it’s something along the lines of what awoke in himself when he first met him, the feeling that just kept growing and growing the more he fell in love. People—well, people that are normal—felt the need to protect Philip. There was something about him that just tore Lukas up inside, that made him want to take care of him. It got to Helen and Gabe too. And eventually his own damn dad. Lukas can only imagine how many people look at him and just wanna give him the whole world. He’s just got that face.

Philip laughs a little bit and kisses him on the cheek. 

Lukas hums. “I don’t wanna do the layover,” he says, picking at his cheese.

“Too bad,” Philip says, leaning down in his seat as the plane dips slightly. “It’ll get us closer.”

“We’ll still be getting there too late to do anything,” Lukas says. 

“We’ll settle in,” Philip says, giving him a look. A look that Lukas knows the meaning of.

He eats more cheese.

~

They get to the Phoenix airport, have two drinks each at the bar, and Lukas takes about a hundred pictures of Philip and his purple daiquiri. Sometimes he’s just so ridiculously cute that Lukas sorta feels like he’s gonna explode. He has to preserve the evidence.

The second plane is a lot smaller, and they’re closer to the front this time. The rows only have two seats in them so Lukas feels a lot more comfortable now, and he lays his head on Philip’s shoulder as Philip gazes out the window. 

“I hope they put our luggage on this plane,” Lukas says.

“They did.”

“Oh, did they tell you that?” 

“I’m gonna kill you,” Philip laughs.

“Not before we see the Grand Canyon together,” Lukas says. 

“Okay deal,” Philip says. “Right after.” He kisses Lukas’s forehead. “You want me to drive when we get there? It should only be about an hour, a little over if our map is right.”

“Oh, you’re wanting to drive now?” Lukas asks. “We gonna pull over again?”

Philip raises his eyebrows. “That was a very special post-wedding mood.”

“You need to get into the honeymoon mood,” Lukas says. “Because this is our literal honeymoon. This is why I wanted to go to the Keys or something more…romantic.”

“This is gonna be really romantic,” Philip says. “Those sunset pictures—God, I’m gonna die.”

“You’re not even gonna be looking at me,” Lukas says. “You’re just gonna be taking a thousand photos and then editing them and then uploading—” He’s stopped by a kiss, a hard one, and he closes his eyes. He knows he was secretly angling for this—half the time he needles Philip just to get a kiss or something along those lines. Philip kisses Lukas’s nose next, and Lukas sighs. “Thanks, it’s been way too long since we kissed.”

“We kissed like an hour ago.”

“Way, way too long. Especially for being on our honeymoon.”

“According to you, being on our honeymoon should mean being attached at the mouth until we get on the plane home.”

Lukas stretches a little bit. “I don’t think that sounds like too much to ask.”

Philip grins, kissing him again.

~

The landing of the smaller plane is a little worrisome and Lukas tries to veil how freaked out he is during it, but Philip can clearly read the expression on his face and kisses his hand through it. Their bags are luckily waiting for them once they get into the airport. They rent a small Honda civic and Philip drives, Lukas working on navigation.

He feels something stirring in his veins and he realizes it’s excitement. Sure, he’s been ragging on this trip and the volume of activity it entails, but it’s an adventure and they’re going on it together. 

“Oh look,” Lukas says. “There it is.”

It feels weird to just come upon it like this, but they turned onto a road and then it’s there, beside them. It’s not dark but it’s getting there, and Lukas is getting a little antsy because they can’t see much from the car.

Philip keeps looking back and forth between the road in front of him and the canyon beside them. “How much further for the lodge?”

Lukas looks down at his phone. “Just a little bit, it’s gonna be up on the right. We’re almost there.”

“Oh man,” Philip says. “It looks awesome from here and we’re barely seeing it.”

“We’re almost there, baby,” Lukas says, suddenly feeling less tired and more hyped up. He’s tempted to say something stupid like _we’re about to start our adventure_ but he opts to stay quiet for now. He knows he’ll say it at some point.

~

Dad apparently splurged and got them one of the biggest cabins here, on the South Rim with a ‘partial view’ that they quickly find out means full view with a small branch hanging close to their window. It’s still pretty damn cold outside, though not as bad as New York, but that doesn’t stop them from halting right outside their cabin and staring out at the Canyon. They’re quiet, taking it in, and Lukas feels like he should say something profound but he can’t think of anything good enough. This is why he loves nature. This is the definition of beautiful.

“This is weird,” Philip says, shifting a little bit with a rock under his foot.

“Weird?” Lukas asks, looking at him.

“I just—can’t believe it’s there,” he says. “I can’t believe we’re here.”

Lukas looks at it again. All the colors. The rock formations. How it seems to go on endlessly, forever, and he sorta wants an entire month just to explore it. Something way older and more important than he’ll ever be.

“It’s really pretty, it’s—it’s so _awesome_ ,” Philip says. “Like that word—that word is this.” He scoffs, disbelieving. “We’re gonna go down in there.”

“Yeah,” Lukas says, reality hitting him again, Lukas-the-explorer quickly going poof, replaced by the real Lukas, whose legs will probably give out after an hour of walking on a straight trail. “Not today though,” he says. “Let’s put the stuff inside and go grab dinner.”

“Yeah,” Philip says, still not looking away. 

Lukas doesn’t blame him for continuing to stare, but the view with him and the Grand Canyon in the background is a lot better. Now this—with Philip in the picture—this is the real definition of the word beautiful. Lukas reaches out and takes his hand as a steady wind blows through. “C’mon,” Lukas says. “Pop the trunk.”

~

“Wow,” Philip says, as they walk into the cabin. It has nice plush looking couches facing a fire place, a little fridge and counter, a small dining table, a bathroom adjacent to the living room. And as they keep walking they move into the bedroom, which is better than the pictures made it out to be. There’s a huge, king-sized four poster bed, and a bathroom with a big tub inside.

“This doesn’t look like it’s been here for a million years,” Lukas says, putting his suitcase down on the ground beside the bed.

“Definitely gone through some renovations,” Philip says, putting his bag down too and adjusting his jacket around his shoulders. “You think this is where you guys stayed when you came here?”

“No idea,” Lukas says, shrugging. “I don’t think he’d put us in the same cabin, I don’t think he’d want it to be… _that_ similar.” 

Philip smiles, walking over and wrapping his arms around Lukas’s middle. He leans in, nosing at Lukas’s jawline and pressing soft kisses there. “So we’re on our honeymoon,” he whispers. 

“Yup,” Lukas says, kissing Philip’s cheek. “Maybe we can relax tonight before we die in the next few days.”

Philip smacks him in the stomach. “The drama, with you,” he says, leaning back and grinning. 

Lukas loves when he smiles like that. He knows they’re alone most of the time, save for the dogs, but here, even though there are tourists everywhere and they saw a bunch of them in the lobby, he feels like they’re really, really alone. Like the world is narrowed down to them and the Grand Canyon—he loves his dad and Helen and Gabe and maybe even Sarah sometimes, but the idea of staying here forever with Philip feels like a beautiful prospect.

It’d be perfect if they had a TV.

Lukas’s stomach rumbles and Philip laughs, patting it nicer this time. “Okay, sounds like we need to get some food in here.”

“Yeah,” Lukas says. “Smart idea.”

~  
~

They get dinner at the cafeteria and head back to the cabin, where they make out and rut together like they’re teenagers for a good while before they come apart in each other’s arms. Lukas always seems to sleep better after they’ve messed around, and Philip watches him, a small smile on his face. He isn’t exactly ready to sleep—he’s tired down to his bones, but the sleep just won’t come. He eases out of bed and walks over to the window, staring out at the canyon. He wonders if it’s gonna snow—it’s probably cold enough, but it doesn’t seem to be on the weather radar for now. It’s dark out, but he can still see the beauty in it, and he can’t wait to sit out there and really take it in with Lukas. 

He’s glad this is what they’re doing.

“Hey,” Lukas says, quiet. Philip turns and sees Lukas narrowing his eyes at him, turning onto his side. “How many times I gotta wake up and see you staring out the window? Even when we’re in Arizona.”

Philip snorts. “Sorry,” he says, tip-toeing back over. He slips back into bed, facing Lukas, and Lukas works an arm around his middle. “I just always wanna look.” He kisses the tip of Lukas’s nose and snuggles closer, huddling into Lukas’s neck. 

“We’re gonna have plenty of time to look later,” Lukas says, holding him tighter. 

Philip sighs. “I can’t sleep,” he whispers, closing his eyes.

Lukas starts rubbing his back in soothing circles. “Cheer up sleepy jean, oh what can it mean—to a daydream believer and a homecoming queen…”

Philip chuckles, relaxing a little.

“One sheep, two sheep, three sheep—”

“Lukas,” Philip says, but he can’t stop smiling.

“What? I’m helping.”

“Mhm,” Philip hums, shaking his head. Lukas keeps rubbing his back and eventually Philip gets a little hypnotized by the movements, slowly drifting off.

~

He wakes up slowly, shifting, and when he opens his eyes he sees Lukas laying there beside him. Lukas has a hand in Philip’s hair, slowly brushing it back, and he smiles when he sees Philip is awake.

“How long you been watching me?” Philip asks, sleepily. 

“Just a little bit,” Lukas says, continuing to stroke his hair. “I tried to listen last night to see when you went to sleep, you were worrying me.”

Philip’s brows furrow. “Why worry?”

“Gotta have every bit of strength for these next couple days,” Lukas says, rubbing the little concern line between Philip’s eyebrows. “Canyoneering or whatever the fuck during the day, lots and lots of sex at night.”

Philip snorts. “Sounds like a good honeymoon to me.”

“Hell yeah, baby,” Lukas says, grinning.

They slowly get ready after that and Philip tries not to get distracted by the view out the window once they open the curtains back up, because he knows they’re gonna be deep in it in just a little while. Lukas packs their backpacks and Philip tries to keep an eye on him, to make sure he doesn’t put in anything unnecessary, but he definitely sees that personal locator beacon go in where Lukas thinks it’s hidden. 

They go for the Bright Angel Trail, which is supposedly one of the easier ones, and luckily, right close to their cabin. Philip puts on a couple of his jackets and his best boots, and prays that he doesn’t fall and bust his camera. They load up on sunscreen, slathering it on each other, trying to cover all exposed skin. Philip puts as much as he can on Lukas’s nose.

“Okay,” Lukas says, as they lock their cabin door. Philip stows the key in his zip pocket. Lukas is looking down at the paper itinerary he’d made up, which Philip thinks is pretty much the cutest thing in the world. “We’re gonna do…some like, light hiking. Some start-up hiking.”

Philip tries not to laugh. 

“And then we’re gonna head back, go to that photography studio I think you’ll like…”

“That’s right close to here, right?” Philip asks.

“Yup,” Lukas says. “So we’re gonna hike a little past it, and then hit it on our way back, and then we’re gonna drive over to that desert tower.”

“Alright!” Philip says, slapping his hands down on his thighs. “Sounds like a plan.”

“We ready for this?” Lukas asks, folding up his paper and putting it into his pocket.

“We ready,” Philip says.

They both turn around and walk a short ways away from their cabin—the trailhead is right close to where they’re located and before they know it they’re venturing into the canyon. It’s still pretty cold but Philip doesn’t even let that distract him, because once they’re on the trail they can see everything—the painted canyon walls, the expanse of it all, and if Philip peers over the edge he can see how deep it goes. It’s goddamn amazing. 

He keeps taking pictures as they go and Lukas sets a pretty good pace, rambling on about how easy this is. But Philip can tell it’s gonna be harder when they’re on their way back, and even worse when the elevation starts getting to them. But Lukas is holding his head high, whistling and humming and almost showing off by going a little faster. Philip laughs, taking pictures of him. That’s his husband. The person he chose to spend the rest of his life with.

Horses and mules pass them a couple times, and they stop to let them go by. “We should have gotten a horse,” Lukas says, once they continue on.

“I don’t want my ass to hurt,” Philip says, raising his eyebrows.

Lukas looks scandalized for a second before he starts laughing. “Yeah, you’re right.”

They hold hands then, going by other couples that don’t seem to pass judgement on them, just nodding and saying _good morning_ like they’re anybody else. 

“This isn’t even as bad as the statue of liberty,” Lukas says. “I think we can probably do some of the strenuous trails, definitely.”

Philip looks at him. “It’s not as bad because we’re going down right now,” he says. “I can tell you think you’re hot shit because you’ve barely broken a sweat walking two miles—”

Lukas barks out a laugh, shaking his head. “I do not think I’m hot shit—”

“Strenuous trails, Lukas?”

“I just think it might be possible.”

“Just remember that this is the easiest trail and we’ve barely gone anywhere,” Philip says. “When we go to Ribbon Falls it’s gonna be way worse.”

“I know,” Lukas says. “Trust me, I know.”

“Okay,” Philip says, eyeing him. “You know I can read that look on your face. You’re all confidence right now, you’ve got that look you get right after you win a race.”

Lukas is blushing and smiling and he looks fucking gorgeous. “I just thought I would be half dead by now.”

“After forty minutes you thought you’d be half dead?” Philip asks. He nearly trips over a rock and Lukas tugs him closer. They move a little to the right side of the trail to let a jogging couple go by. “How often do you go running with the dogs?”

“Philip,” Lukas says, gazing out to their left. “This is the Grand Canyon.”

“Okay, you think you can go a little further than we planned before we go to the photography studio?” Philip asks, raising his eyebrows. 

Lukas looks at him for a couple long moments. He knows a challenge when he sees one, and Lukas rarely backs down from a challenge Philip presents to him. It’s how he gets a lot of what he wants. And he can’t say he necessarily wants this, but he’s worried Lukas is gonna start trying to make this a lot harder than it needs to be.

“Okay,” Lukas says. He takes his map back out. “Okay—we’ll go to the Indian Garden and then come back and go to the photography studio.”

“Will that mess with our timing?” Philip asks.

“Nah, we should still be okay.”

“Okay, let’s go,” Philip says, marching out in front of him slightly, already looking forward to sitting in the car for forty minutes later, once his point is made.

~

“Okay,” Lukas heaves. “Okay, just—slow down.”

Philip is breathing hard too but he laughs, looking behind him. The trail is only getting steeper. “What?” he asks.

“You’re running!”

Philip stops dead, because he’s laughing too hard and he can’t catch his breath. He takes Lukas’s hands and tugs him off the trail, onto the mountain wall where it’s rocky and they can kinda sit. They had their tuna sandwiches at the last real stop but the elevation and exertion have been getting to them both ever since.

“Okay, yeah, you popped my big head,” Lukas says, breathing heavily. “I’m back to pre-vacation paranoid Lukas who knows he’s gonna die out here.”

Philip laughs again, yanking Lukas’s water bottle out of his pack and handing it to him. “That’s not at all what I wanted.”

Lukas nods, sipping his water. “But yeah, no, I was wrong—strenuous trails—no, no.”

“Maybe after some more practice,” Philip says, patting him on the back.

“Yeah, you’re right,” Lukas says, nodding. He cocks his head at Philip.

“What?” Philip asks.

“You think you know me better than I know myself?” Lukas asks. It doesn’t sound accusatory. It almost seems like he completely believes it, and he’s just looking to Philip for confirmation.

“You getting existential?” Philip asks, squinting a little bit in the sun. 

“Just thinking,” Lukas says.

Philip considers him for a moment. “Don’t you know yourself really well?”

“You know me really well,” Lukas says, handing him back the water bottle. “Like, it felt like…from the first moment…almost like you could read my mind.”

Philip feels like that too, a lot of the time. In the beginning it felt like he was trying to decode Lukas, like he was reading into every look or every sentence that came out of his mouth. Eventually, he started to feel like an expert, because what Lukas was refusing to say would be written all over his face, or locked into the tension in his arms, or poured into the passion of his kisses. Once they got through all the hiding and secrets, Philip didn’t really have to try and figure him out anymore. He knew his face so well it was burned on the backs of his eyes, knew how he held him, the cut of his jaw when he was frustrated, how he would roll his eyes a little bit and try not to smile when he was embarrassed. 

“It’s not reading your mind,” Philip says, adjusting Lukas’s jacket around his shoulders. “It’s just…knowing you. In every way that you can know someone you love.” He realizes he could teach a class on how Lukas’s eyes dilate. On how to deal with him when he has a sunburn. On what foods he likes to eat when he’s celebrating. On how to make him moan and writhe, arch up into a firm caress, but Philip would rather die than let those secrets out.

“I hope I, uh,” Lukas clears his throat and reaches out, catching Philip’s wrist. “I hope I know you just as well. You know, so I can take care of you how you deserve to be taken care of.”

Philip scoffs. “You do,” he says, leaning absurdly close because of the incline they’re on. He braces his hands on Lukas’s shoulders and tips forward, pressing their lips together. 

“Nobody knows me better than you,” Philip whispers, and it’s true. No one ever has, and no one ever will.

“Good,” Lukas says, stealing another kiss, his lips wet from the water. “Because I really want to be the only one who knows what you look like when—”

“Hush,” Philip says, pushing off him and starting to walk again.

“What?” Lukas asks, laughing, and Philip can hear him jingling to catch up. “What was I gonna say?”

“We’re in public,” Philip says, glancing sideways at Lukas when he shows up in his peripheral.

“We are in _nature_ ,” Lukas says. “I’ve definitely made you look the exact way I was talking about when we were in nature.”

They start going a little faster downhill.

“If by nature you mean next to the lake and if you mean that day when your dad called, then yeah, we’re not gonna talk about that unless we’re behind closed doors.”

Lukas catches up, worming an arm around Philip’s waist underneath his backpack. “You’re just so fucking cute in your little hiking outfit,” he says. “I can’t stop thinking dirty things.”

“I think you mean literal dirt, because we’re gonna have dust all over us by the time we get back to the cabin tonight,” Philip says, winking at him.

~

They continue their hike and nearly exhaust themselves in the process. They finally turn around at the Indian Garden, because even though Lukas was dying he didn’t want to miss the new marker they’d made for themselves, and they head back. They eat again before making it to the photography studio, and Lukas whines about wanting something more substantial.

“Like a pizza,” he says. 

Philip snorts. “Imagine us bringing a whole pizza up into the Grand Canyon.”

“Sounds like a very us thing to do,” Lukas says. 

They eat their bananas and granola bars to make due, and they finally arrive to the studio about twenty minutes later. There aren’t too many people here, but enough that it doesn’t feel like the art and photographs are being ignored, which Philip had subconsciously worried about, considering how much there is to see out here.

The Kolb Brothers were apparently these two guys who took a whole lot of amazing photos of the Grand Canyon in the early 1900’s. Philip reads through the history next to all the photos and Lukas stands diligently behind him, peering around and taking pictures. Philip feels transported—he looks at the black and white shot of an electrical storm above the Canyon and sort of wishes he could produce something like that. So perfectly capture a moment in time that you’re instantly there the second you look at it.

This place isn’t too big and it’s newly restored, but Philip feels strangely inspired here. All the history, the art, the way these two dove head-long into their pursuits and always came up with such beautiful work in the progress. There are pictures of them hanging off cliffs high above the world and Philip wants to take that kind of risk to get the photos he wants.

“Sorry,” Lukas says, from behind him, close to his ear. “But you’re not hanging off the edge of the world to get a good picture as long as I’m around.”

“What if we have a really good pulley system?” Philip asks, leaning back against Lukas’s chest, the both of them still facing the picture. “Or like, you’ve got a really good hold on me?” 

“Only if I grow robot arms incapable of letting you go,” Lukas says. 

Philip laughs. He turns around then, taking Lukas’s hand, the two of them venturing a little further into the studio. Philip thinks. Thinks about the future, and what might be possible. “You think I could maybe…have a studio of my own one day? You think?”

“Absolutely,” Lukas says, no hesitation. “Definitely, one hundred percent yes.”

Philip smiles, shaking his head. 

“No, for real,” Lukas says. “You’re good, you’re…you’re too good.”

“Sometimes people are only taken seriously if they have a master’s degree in this shit,” Philip says.

“Did these guys?” Lukas asks, looking around. “I seriously doubt it. And look what they did.”

“But that’s a major difference in the times,” Philip says. “It’s a lot easier to get your master’s nowadays.”

“But you don’t wanna do that,” Lukas says.

“Nope,” Philip says. He doesn’t know if he’s being petulant in thinking this way, but he doesn’t think he needs anymore schooling when it comes to photography. He’s got down all the finer points of the craft, knows what everything means, and everything about grad school would be other people trying to change his style. He knows what his style is at this point, and if there were any more techniques he wanted to learn, all he would have to do is pull up YouTube instead of paying a million dollars to go back to college. 

“I can picture a gigantic place in New York dedicated to your work,” Lukas says, a hand around Philip’s elbow. “As big as MoMa.”

Philip laughs. “Yeah right.”

“No, I’m for real,” Lukas says. “And people would always be going there because your shit is so good and you’d constantly be working, because you’re diligent like that.”

“We should travel more,” Philip says. He’s got amazing shots of all the places he’s been, and it just makes him think about what else he could get. 

“Yeah, I’ve been…” A smile tugs at Lukas’s mouth and he starts walking in front of Philip, towards the staircase on the far wall. “I’ve been kinda thinking about like, France.”

Philip stares at his back. He feels like his brain isn’t quite catching up. “France?” he blurts out, like he hasn’t ever heard the word before. 

“Yeah,” Lukas says, turning around and shrugging. “And maybe like…England. Italy.”

“You wanna do an overseas trip?” Philip asks, catching up with him. 

Lukas shrugs again and doesn’t say anything, just smiles. 

Philip takes his hand, beaming up at him. 

~

They drive over to the Desert Tower and talk about the sights, talk about photography, talk about the stupid texts Bo keeps sending to the two of them about whether or not they’ve traversed the whole canyon yet. But Philip feels like there’s a lot more on the horizon, and it doesn’t worry him or make him nervous, like something might have a while ago. It fills him with excitement for what married life holds for them. He never thought it would be too different, considering how they went about it and how attached at the hip they’ve been for so long. But maybe there are more new things ahead of them than what he’s been planning for. 

The watchtower is really cool and old looking inside, lots of interesting paintings on the walls and of course an amazing view that they haven’t quite gotten to see yet. There are more people here than there were in the studio and no matter what floor they’re on, everybody is fighting to get a good view from the windows.

“C’mon,” Lukas says, when they’re near the top. “Let’s go outside and claim a spot.”

It kinda reminds Philip of the Empire State Building the night they got engaged, but the wind isn’t so loud here when they make it outside. They have to sorta stand around for a couple minutes before a spot opens up, but Lukas quickly moves in when he gets the chance.

“Kinda like the Empire State Building,” Lukas says, pressed against Philip’s side.

“I was just thinking that,” Philip laughs. 

They both stare out. He still can’t believe how fucking big the canyon is and he feels like he’s gonna be thinking a thousand different versions of that same thought every second that they’re here. It feels like an entirely different world when they look out at it like this, and Philip can’t even imagine what it’s gonna look like from a helicopter. 

He doesn’t really think too much about the helicopter just yet. He isn’t really afraid of heights—he doesn’t like the idea of dropping his phone off the side of the Empire State Building or anything just as high, but it doesn’t feel as likely that he or Lukas themselves would go careening to their deaths. But he can imagine the helicopter is gonna be a little scary, especially if it has open sides, even more especially with the giant canyon looming below them. 

“I wish I could like, paint,” Lukas says. “Because I would paint this.”

“You’ve mentioned wanting to paint before and I think you should attempt it,” Philip says, resting his chin on Lukas’s shoulder.

Lukas scoffs. “I doubt I’m capable.”

“You never know,” Philip says. “Things inspire you…might be nice to be able to put them down in art somehow. Kinda like me with taking pictures.”

“I could never be like you,” Lukas says. “I don’t have the eye or the talent or anything. If I tried to paint it’d be like fucking watercolors in first grade.”

Philip shakes his head. “You never know until you try.”

“Okay,” Lukas says, holding his head high. “I’m going to abandon all of my motocross dreams to become a starving artist. And not starving because the art world won’t accept me, starving because my shit sucks.”

Philip nips at Lukas’s neck a little bit, making him flinch. “You’re the worst.”

“You’re always telling me that and yet you’re still here,” Lukas says. 

“Yeah, I have no idea why,” Philip says. “I really gotta come to my senses.”

Lukas tugs him in closer, holds him tighter like he always does when they start to joke like that, like he’s paranoid there’s some kind of truth there even though Philip’s chides couldn’t be further from it. 

“I’m so glad it’s not snowing,” Lukas says. “I feel like everything would be impossible, like the visibility up here would be shit, we’d be sliding all up and down the hiking trails in the canyon—then we’d definitely die.”

“Well don’t jinx it,” Philip says. 

“I wonder why the hell Dad picked January,” Lukas says. “Another mark in the column of ‘he’s trying to kill us’.”

Philip snorts, squinting against a little gust of wind. “I think he just wanted to keep it as close to the wedding as possible,” he says. “You know how your dad correlates stuff.”

“Yeah,” Lukas says. “Fuckin’ weirdo.”

Philip knocks him in the stomach. “We’re having a very lovely honeymoon because of him.”

“Yeah, who knows if that was his real intention.”

“Oh my god, Lukas.”

Lukas laughs and tugs him closer again. For a couple minutes they point out ridges and peaks they think look cool, then little dots that are probably people or animals, and they try to guess which is which. They track the Colorado River and Lukas muses on some future trip when they’re more physically fit, when they might be able to hike all the way there. Then they’re quiet, Philip leaning his head on Lukas’s shoulder, both of them tuning out the mindless chatter all around them. 

“Were you being serious about going to Europe?” Philip asks, before he really thinks about it. 

“Yeah,” Lukas says, lightly. “Would you—is that something you’d—”

“Of course it’s something I’d—I just wasn’t sure if it was something you’d—”

“Definitely,” Lukas says. “Especially if it’s something that you’d—”

“Yes,” Philip says. “Yes, for real. Like genuinely? Not a joke?”

“Not a joke,” Lukas says. “No, I’d really…really want to.”

Philip swallows hard. “But even with everything we have left from the Vegas winnings we wouldn’t have enough money for all that. And we’d have to get our passports.”

“So I’ll win some more races,” Lukas says, like it’s nothing. “And your rates are good, so is your turnover, you’re always getting hired—we’d have the money in no time. Our jobs are good like that because they’re not real jobs. We can kinda take off whenever we want. And passports—we can do that no problem.”

Philip looks at him and he feels like he’s floating again. Lukas does that to him a lot—casts a spell over him, makes him feel like miracles can happen. It makes him feel less like an orphan and more like someone that was found, someone that’s valued and loved despite everything else. “You really wanna go?” Philip asks. “Really really?”

“Of course,” Lukas says, smiling. He brushes some of Philip’s hair back from his forehead. “I wanna travel with you, I wanna—I wanna go everywhere with you.”

Philip grins at him and leans in to press a kiss to the corner of his mouth. 

~

When they’re back in the car Philip’s phone starts ringing with Helen’s tone. Lukas shakes his head and Philip laughs—they purposefully didn’t attach Philip’s phone to the Bluetooth after what happened on their wedding night, but Philip is pretty sure Lukas is still traumatized. He snorts, trying not to fall into complete hysterics at the haunted look on Lukas’s face, and he answers the phone.

“Hello?”

“What in the world is this check you two sent us?” Helen asks, her voice high.

Philip smiles, looking over at Lukas. “They got the check.”

“Oh, good,” Lukas says.

“What is this, Philip?” Helen asks. “Seven hundred dollars?”

“It’s not even that much,” Philip says. “We sent that much to Bo, too.”

“Why?” Helen asks. “What’s happening? Are you running away?”

Philip scoffs. His heart beats a little faster. “This is our way of…telling you we won a bunch of money in Vegas.”

Silence. Breathing. “You went back again?”

“No,” Philip says, clearing his throat. “No, the uh…first and only time.”

More silence. “This Vegas story just keeps getting longer and longer.”

Philip had thought sending them checks would be a good introduction to the money aspect of the story that they’d yet to explain. It definitely seemed like the right way to ease them into it. 

“Yeah, it’s not a super big deal,” Philip says, even though his heart is beating really fast. “We just won a couple thousand dollars.”

“Before or after you got married?” 

“Um, before,” Philip says.

“Do you remember doing it?” she asks.

Philip chews on his lower lip, and sees Lukas’s eyes cut over to look at him. “Sure,” he says.

“Oh good lord,” Helen says. “Well—well. Well. You didn’t have to send us any money.”

“We wanted to,” Philip says. “You guys have done so much for us, you did everything for the wedding and it came out so well—”

“And you thought this would be a good way to tell us the rest of the Vegas story,” Helen says.

“You know us so well,” Philip says. 

“Well, thank you,” Helen says. “I’ll be finding ways to send it back to you that you won’t notice.”

“Oh, don’t do that,” Philip says, shifting a little bit in his seat. “Do something nice with it—do like, a couples massage or spa day or something.”

“Hm, might be nice,” Helen says. “We haven’t done anything like that since the cruise.”

“Exactly,” Philip says. “You deserve it.”

“Is there anything else to the Vegas story that we might be missing?” Helen asks.

Philip immediately thinks of Lukas’s pierced belly button, but Helen doesn’t really need to know about that. “Nope,” he says. “Now you know all of it.”

“I can’t even imagine what else you could have done,” she says.

“Nothing else,” Philip says. “Promise.”

“Alright,” Helen says. “You two having fun?”

“Yeah,” Philip says. “We’re having an awesome time.”

“No drinking and falling into the Grand Canyon,” Helen says. “I mean it!”

“Don’t worry,” Philip laughs. “We’re gonna avoid that at all costs.”

~

They get back to the lodge a little while later and head in through the Bright Angel Café, too tired to go through their restaurant list to try to find something better. They’ll try to find something tomorrow, and Monday is the helicopter picnic, which will probably be their nicest meal of the whole trip.

“I wonder when my dad’s gonna get his check,” Lukas says, taking a bite of his burrito. “I feel like he’s gonna be pissier about us hiding this than hiding the fact that we got married.”

Philip laughs. “Probably.”

“I wonder if he’s still off the smoking,” Lukas says. “He said he’d tell us if he got back on it but he totally hid it the first time so I don’t trust him.”

“I still can’t believe I caught him,” Philip says.

“Yeah, and kept it from me,” Lukas says, giving him a look.

Philip reaches across the table and takes his hand. “Not for long, babe,” he says. “Just making good with your dad, and he told you!”

“Uh huh,” Lukas says, with no real heat.

A flyer is slapped down on their table next to their plates and they both jump a little bit, looking up at the guy who put it there. He seems like he’s in his forties and he’s got a bunch of tattoos and piercings, and he seems a little drunk. 

“Head down to the Messy Pig if you wanna have a good time,” he says, tapping his pointer finger on the flyer. “Nice place for tourists, good deals, we got drink specials through Thursday and lotsa games.” He winks at them both, nodding. “Best hot wings within a hundred miles of the canyon, guaranteed.”

“Awesome,” Lukas says, before Philip can say anything. “Thanks.”

“No problem, no problem at all,” the guy says, nodding again. He’s got a stack of flyers under his arm. “We also got a mechanical bull, think you two might be able to give it a whirl.”

“We’ll definitely keep it in mind,” Philip says.

“Alright,” the guy says, his southern twang more evident on the word. He leaves them, moves on to the small family one table behind. 

Philip looks at Lukas with wide eyes, shaking his head.

~

They walk back to the cabin, Philip shivering a little bit in the cold. Lukas is still holding the flyer because the dude was hanging around and he didn’t want him to see him toss it out.

“We should go,” Lukas says. “Not now, because my whole body is aching, but—tomorrow, maybe.”

“Lukas, that dude definitely looked like a murderer,” Philip says, looking at him. “I got major murderer vibes.”

“I guess we’d know, huh?” Lukas asks.

“You didn’t get that vibe?” Philip asks, as they reach their door. He unlocks it and they both step inside, nearly tripping over their backpacks.

“I think he was probably just a weird dude,” Lukas says, putting the flyer down on the table by the door. He immediately crashes into Philip, wrapping his arms around his waist from behind. “I bet you would like to see me riding a mechanical bull though, huh?”

The image immediately presents itself in Philip’s mind, Lukas’s hips swiveling on some leather saddle. “Jesus,” he mutters, without meaning to, a ripple of want running through his lower body.

Lukas laughs, pressing a little harder against him. “Bedtime. Bed bed bed.”

They both rush around, stripping off their clothes and brushing their teeth before they fall into bed, cuddling up to each other, kissing and kissing and kissing. While their preparations were quick, this is slow, their mouths exploring well mapped terrain. It feels almost lazy, Philip’s whole body going like jelly and relaxing into Lukas’s. 

“You like it when I ride you, huh?” Lukas whispers, hand slowly moving back and forth across Philip’s waist. 

“Mhm.” Philip keeps kissing him, pressing closer.

Lukas hums too, their tongues sliding together. Philip almost feels like he’s in a trance, his whole body slowing down to a halt until they’re basically just clinging to each other.

“Lukas,” Philip whispers, the word brushing against Lukas’s lips in a breathless hush.

“Philip,” Lukas responds, soft.

Philip’s eyelids are getting heavier.

One more kiss.

~  
~

The next thing Lukas knows he’s slowly waking up, and he’s fucking freezing. He doesn’t move immediately and then he realizes that they’re both naked, and Philip is still sleeping. He’s breathing through his mouth, inches from Lukas’s face; Lukas leans in and kisses him, continuing what they’d apparently been too fucking tired to finish.

“Philip,” he whispers, and Philip immediately startles, his eyes opening.

“What happened?” Philip slurs, his teeth chattering a little bit.

“We both fucking fell asleep,” Lukas laughs, very disappointed in himself. “While we were messing around. At like…nine at night. This is so dumb.”

“What the fuck,” Philip groans, as Lukas skitters out of bed and lunges for their luggage, grabbing out their pajamas. He pulls his on and jumps back into bed, handing Philip his. Lukas takes the extra blankets and wraps them around the two of them as Philip shimmies into his pajamas under the big quilt and comforter.

“I was getting so hard, too,” Lukas says, snuggling closer to Philip.

Philip snorts. “I guess we were kidding ourselves thinking we could manage it after all the activity we did,” he says.

“Ugh,” Lukas groans, leaning in to kiss him. “Dad’s the worst.”

“Can you stop,” Philip laughs, poking him in the stomach.

“Destroying our entire honeymoon with fuckin…exercise…” Lukas mutters.

“And majestic views,” Philip says.

“Uh huh.” Lukas sits up on his elbow and peers over at the clock. “It’s three in the morning,” he says, settling back down. “Let’s go back to sleep, get plenty of rest and then—take it easy tomorrow, when we go to Ribbon Falls or whatever.”

Philip’s got the lovey-dovey look in his eye. “We’re so, so old,” he says.

“We are,” Lukas says, kissing him. “We are, Jesus—okay baby, go to sleep.”

Philip laughs, closing his eyes.

Lukas sighs, trying to get back to sleep.

~

They wake up again at about nine and Lukas feels a lot more refreshed than he did at three. He stands by the window once he’s dressed and jumps up and down, running in place.

Philip looks up from the edge of the bed where he’s putting on his boots. “What are you doing?” he asks, smiling.

“Preparing for our waterfall,” Lukas says, stretching. He twists around to look at Philip. “It’s gonna take us like, five hours to do the whole thing,” he says.

“Yup,” Philip says. “This is your only plan for today, right?”

“Yeah,” Lukas says, starting to do jumping jacks. 

Philip watches him. Then Philip pulls out his phone, clicks a couple things and points it at him. 

“You taking a video of me?” Lukas asks, still jumping. 

“I’m taking a boomerang for Instagram,” Philip says.

“Awesome,” Lukas says, going a little faster. “You better save it.”

“I always do,” Philip says. “I think I have like eight hundred boomerangs of you, I could make a whole movie of them.”

Lukas had always been strangely shy and aloof before Philip. Most of the pictures he had of himself were of him on his bike, with his helmet on so you couldn’t see his face. But Philip has seen, and captured, him doing just about everything. It’s terrifying and exhilarating at the same time.

“Alright, babe,” Philip says, putting his phone away and getting to his feet. “Let’s head on out there again.”

Lukas stops, huffing. “We’re gonna be so goddamn skinny when we finally make it home because _dad_ has forced us to exert ourselves hiking on our honeymoon.”

Philip laughs, getting up and tugging Lukas into a kiss.

~

Lukas used to worry about a lot of things, when their lives started over and they got their second chance. He worried Philip would think his hands were too sweaty. He was worried Philip wouldn’t like the way he drove. He was worried their taste in food would clash, that their sleeping patterns would be off, that he wouldn’t be good in bed when he finally got back to one hundred percent. Philip was too perfect, too everything—Lukas knew there was better out there for him, that there were a thousand guys who could be better than Lukas could. Lukas thought Philip would gradually start to find him annoying. Would stop being attracted to him. 

Lukas was sure that he would leave. 

Instead, they got into a routine. After they were both out of the hospital they didn’t have to go to school for a bit, so they’d take turns sleeping over each other’s places. That’s when they found out Philip liked being on the left side of the bed and Lukas on the right. That’s when they found out that neither of them ate string cheese ‘the right way’. That’s when Philip took to wearing Lukas’s old hoodies, and Lukas realized he liked the way it felt, seeing him in them.

They became each other’s routines. Instead of getting sick of each other, they only craved more of the other’s attention. They sought refuge in each other’s arms, made each other laugh with stupid jokes, kept the other alive in the smallest and biggest ways. Almost always, they were on the same page, and when they weren’t it didn’t take much to get there. It was like when all the fears and horrors were stripped away, they found out that they were corresponding pieces, in every way that counted. 

Philip didn’t mind his sweaty hands—in fact, his hands didn’t sweat as much when Philip was holding them. They liked the same food, and when they didn’t, it didn’t fucking matter, because they always found ways to share and adapt. They always slept better when they were together. And he was better in bed than he ever imagined he could be, because Philip was the best kind of inspiration.

Philip never wanted anyone else, anyone better. Philip never stopped being attracted to him. And he never found him annoying.

Philip made Lukas believe in soulmates. Because he knew beyond a doubt that he had found his. 

“Hey,” Philip says, from beside him. Lukas looks at him and he’s holding out his water bottle. “I can hear you thinking and you’re giving one word answers.”

“Ah, I’m okay,” Lukas says, taking the bottle and sipping the water. “Just thinking about how there’s probably a way sexier and smarter guy out there for you somewhere. I wonder how I’m gonna handle the divorce.”

Philip is taking a sip from his own bottle and he nearly chokes, spitting some of it out. “The shit you say sometimes, sugar.”

Lukas groans, covering his heart. “The nickname.”

“Yeah, I uncovered it.”

“Ugh.”

“Pulled it right back out.”

“Absolutely kills me, every single time.”

Philip grins at him. “Lukas, I regret to inform you that you’re stuck with me for all eternity. I know that’s boring but I’m sorry, it’s just the way things are.”

Lukas reaches out, tugging on Philip’s belt loops. “I’m gonna kiss you so hard under that waterfall.”

“Are we gonna get wet?” Philip asks, taking the bottle back from Lukas and sticking it in his pack. “I didn’t plan for wet. We’re gonna freeze to death.”

“I brought extra clothes, duh,” Lukas says, ruffling Philip’s hair.

Philip smooths it back into place. “What are we gonna do? Dive deeper into the canyon and change behind some rock like it’s a dressing room? You’re so crazy.”

“Philip, I’m innovative.”

“Mhm, this reminds me of when you took off your pants in Bryant Park and we almost got arrested.”

“Sometimes boundaries need to be tested,” Lukas says, shrugging.

Philip reaches out to brace his hand on Lukas’s arm as they take a couple shaky steps down. The terrain is a lot rockier on this trail and a lot more uneven, and eventually Lukas thinks they’re gonna have to start attaching ropes to themselves and rappelling down. The thought leaves him with a bad taste in his mouth and he sorta hopes they can traverse all of this shit without doing that, because even with all the research they did, he still doesn’t think they can really manage it.

“Sounds like you just wanna see where you’re allowed to take your pants off in public,” Philip says.

“It’s an interesting thing to know,” Lukas says. 

“You think we’re gonna have to start doing more complicated things soon?” Philip asks. They start climbing down to keep on the trail and Lukas looks ahead, sees this older couple that are still walking.

“Nah, I think we can get there and back avoiding it,” he says.

“Even by the waterfall?” Philip asks.

“Yeah, I think we can go up and around.”

“I think it’d be interesting if we brought the parents here,” Philip says, taking Lukas’s hand and helping him down. 

“I can totally imagine Helen here,” Lukas says. “Trudging along acting like she knows everything.”

“Oh yeah,” Philip says. “Definitely.”

It takes them fucking forever and they do have to rappel once on their way, which is kinda like dropping down into thin air. Lukas insists on going first and watches Philip like a hawk his whole way down, but when they’re back on the ground again both of them feel really accomplished. They sit down for lunch and Lukas looks up what it would have been like to get to Elves Chasm, and they would have had to rappel and climb most of the goddamn way there, and camp in the canyon, so he’s glad they didn’t choose that route. The waterfall is definitely prettier there, but he thinks Ribbon Falls is gonna be good enough for their purposes. 

He gasps when they come upon it, because the water is running a little harder than he expected and he’s pleasantly surprised. They step over the little creek at the bottom and gaze up at it, Philip taking out his camera and snapping a bunch of photos.

“Stand in front of it!” Philip orders, and Lukas laughs, running to do what he says. He points at it like an idiot and poses a bunch of times before they trade places, and he tries to be careful with Philip’s camera, because he’s always afraid the thing is gonna like disintegrate in his hands if he clicks the wrong button.

They put it away and keep climbing. Lukas looks up and he’s glad this place isn’t overrun today—he’d been worried that there would be a bunch of random people hanging around fucking up his waterfall fantasy, but there are only about three or four groups ahead of them and they’re pretty far ahead, and there are more behind them but they’ll definitely be out of the way by the time they catch up. 

It gets louder as they get closer, like heavy rain on a rooftop, and Lukas tries not to think too hard about nature and how all of this got put together without any human hand having a part in it. He gets too caught up thinking about God sometimes, about what is and isn’t there, and how things can all be possible when it all seems so impossible. 

But he thinks about his mom, Philip’s mom, and that’s what makes him sure that there has to be something else, something that’s just as beautiful as this once they’ve reached the end of it all. But for now he tries to admire what was put here, what didn’t need a whole team of construction workers to make perfect. He’s been close to nature his whole life but he’s felt very mechanical, very forged and fired and fine-printed, but here—with Philip—he feels free, and a part of it all. 

It’s weird and it makes his head hurt and he realizes Philip is a little too far ahead of him, so he springs to catch up.

They dump their backpacks a few feet away when they’re behind the falls, and Philip takes Lukas’s hand without a word, tugging him into the mist. They turn to each other and Philip looks like he has a little halo, dancing and twinkling in the stray strands of his hair. 

He sure is something else.

“Sometimes your eyes…” Philip trails off, looking at him like he’s something a lot more wonderful than he is.

It makes Lukas’s heart swell. “What?” he asks, stepping closer to him.

Philip just shakes his head, smiling. Lukas takes his face in his hands and kisses him, little droplets of water coming down easy on his neck. Lukas winds his arms around Philip’s waist and hums a little bit into his mouth, the two of them swaying a little further under the waterfall. They start to get genuinely wet then, not soaked but definitely damp, but Philip’s fists are twisting in Lukas’s jacket and he’s stepping on Lukas’s toes a little bit and everything, everything is good right now.

“Babe,” Lukas whispers, when they break apart. He feels breathless, lost and found at the same time.

“Yeah?” Philip says, sounding just as wrecked.

“I think you’re the love of my life,” Lukas says, his lips brushing Philip’s with every word. “Hope that’s…hope that’s good with you.”

“As long as you do all the cooking and the cleaning,” Philip says, kissing him again.

Lukas laughs against his mouth. “Fine.”

“And the dog maintenance,” Philip says, nipping at his lips, reaching up to card through the fine hair at the base of Lukas’s neck. Philip knows Lukas is all sensitive there and he squirms, pushing him a little further under the waterfall. Their hair is definitely getting wet now but it isn’t really cold, the water warmed and combed over by the sun.

“Are you just trying to see how much you can get?” Lukas asks, kissing across Philip’s cheek and to the hinge of his jaw.

“Well, how much _can I_?” Philip prods, reaching into Lukas’s jacket and running over the ridges of his ribs.

Normally Lukas would fake-fight, put laundry on the table or put Philip in charge of doing their taxes because he hates that anyways, or make him promise to pick out their health insurance for the fateful day when they’re taken off their parents’ plans, but none of those threats find their way out from under his tongue. Philip is arching up into him, touching him like Lukas used to fantasize someone would—like he’s something to be valued and kept, treasured and claimed. 

“All of it,” Lukas mutters, against the soft skin under Philip’s ear. “I’ll do anything—all of it for you.”

Philip out-and-out giggles, running his other hand, which is wet, through Lukas’s hair. “That was easy,” he says, nosing along Lukas’s cheek. “You’re easy.”

“For you,” Lukas says. “And no one else.”

“What about that underwear model you saw in Target?” Philip chides.

Lukas pushes at him, drawing out a laugh, but then Lukas tugs him in again. “You’re the worst,” he says, pressing his forehead to Philip’s temple. “I wasn’t even looking at him. The picture was so big it just looked like I was.”

“Sure, sure,” Philip says. “If you think I don’t know that look in your eye—”

“I was thinking about what those boxers would look like on you,” Lukas says, pulling Philip out from under the spray. 

“No, no,” Philip says. “We need pictures before we leave. A lot of pictures.”

“You don’t wanna get your camera wet,” Lukas says.

“My phone!” Philip says. “Waterproof case.”

~

They tug their bags in a little closer and let people pass them, because Philip stays true to his word and takes about thirty waterfall selfies of the two of them. Lukas doesn’t know how to stop himself when he gets that lovey dovey, no-holding-back look on his face, and he’s making it in most of the photos. Eyes wide, smiling like a fucking dope, and he might as well have hearts floating in a circle around his head. Philip seems to like it, the stupid look on his face, and it results in more kissing, more touching, Philip’s phone dropping to the stone ground and nearly bouncing over the edge. Lukas is a hero in falling to his knees and saving it, which earns him more long moments with wet Philip in his arms, and more needy kisses that make his blood pump wild and his head go light with everything he’s feeling.

He realizes that other hikers have probably gotten a good show out of them making out. And then he realizes that he really doesn’t care.

~

They tromp along and Lukas takes another bite of his granola bar. “You’re A positive,” he says. 

“And you’re A negative,” Philip says.

“So I can give to you but you can’t give to me,” Lukas says. 

“Which sucks,” Philip says, kicking a rock off the ledge. “I don’t even know how we know each other’s blood types. Not really like—regular conversation.”

“I think we know from the hospital,” Lukas says, briefly transported back there, to beeping machines and sterile smells. He sighs, feeling that pinching feeling in his throat. “Okay—next—am I allergic to anything?”

“Nope, because you’re perfect,” Philip says, looking over his shoulder at him.

“That’s right,” Lukas says, holding his head high. “And you are allergic to…it’s cashews, right?” He always gets mixed up with this one.

“Yeah,” Philip says. “Other nuts though, are fine…which makes no sense but it’s whatever, I don’t like them much anyway.”

Lukas is always super grateful for the fact that Philip isn’t allergic to peanuts, because they’re in so much shit and it’d be nerve-wracking to keep a hold of it. “We’re on a roll—what’s my favorite movie?”

“Easy,” Philip says, as they start climbing up to the next level. “The Warriors. Because you’ve made me watch it about seven thousand times.”

“Exaggerator, as always,” Lukas says, pinching the back of Philip’s thigh. “But yes—that movie should be everybody’s favorite movie. And yours is Big because you’re an uber undercover Tom Hanks fan.”

“I would never hide that fact,” Philip says, reaching down and offering his hand to Lukas to help him up. “As if you’re not absolutely obsessed with Cast Away.”

Lukas scoffs, continuing on by Philip’s side once they’re back on the trail. “I’m obsessed with Cast Away because I’m always thinking about what the hell _we_ would do—”

“Are we on desert island questions now?” Philip laughs, grabbing Lukas’s hand and entwining their fingers. “I thought we were on how well do I know my husband questions.”

“Desert Island is probably one of my greatest fears,” Lukas says, shivering a little bit with the thought and the wind. It’s a little cloudier now and they’re trying to be more careful on the trail. He’s glad they went to Ribbon Falls, really glad, but he definitely misses the simplicity of the Bright Angel Trail. 

“How come?” Philip asks, lightly, still smiling.

“Because, that whole game is usually like—oh I’d bring all this shit, my favorite books and movies and people or whatever—but if that actually happens, like in Cast Away, you aren’t gonna be bringing anything, you’re just gonna be stranded—on some rando island that probably isn’t even on a map—and you wouldn’t have Rick and Morty to watch or all the Harry Potter books to read or whatever—you’d just have you, and nothing, and that’s scary.”

Philip tugs on his hand and makes him stop walking. “Well, it’s not ever gonna happen, because we already went on our one cruise for our lifetimes. You’re lucky you married somebody who hates the open water. No islands for us, babe.”

Lukas lets out a little nervous breath and nods.

“What’s the next question?” Philip prompts, as they start walking again. 

Lukas only memorized a good ten of them, but the last one he knew the answer to, for himself, always. “What’s the best decision I ever made?”

Philip gives him a look. He’s beautiful everywhere but even more beautiful out here, among all the reds and ancient dust. “Well,” Philip says, making that face like he knows it’s all about him but he doesn’t want to act prideful about it, “well—you’ve said before…it was, uh—giving the gun to Helen.”

“And it still is,” Lukas says. “Because it led to all of my other good decisions, like moving in with you and buying you that tight blue shirt you wear so often. And marrying you.”

Philip scoffs, but he’s definitely blushing.

“And you…” Lukas feels like he’s tripping himself up. He wants to say it’s moving to Tivoli, but moving to Tivoli also destroyed Philip’s life and took his mother away from him. It’s hard, that so much good is wrapped up in so much bad, and Lukas sort of hates that their story began with murder and took so much from them. He doesn’t know if other people would have been able to withstand it, staying in a relationship with someone that saw them in such difficult positions, saw their emotions stripped raw. Lukas was tied up in a fucking trunk with Philip. They both saved each other from death. For other people, it might have been too much—like losing a child, or surviving a disaster…sometimes it’s easier to get rid of all the reminders, no matter how much love is there. 

“Moving to Tivoli,” Philip says, softly. “No matter what.”

Lukas swallows hard, tries not to tear up as they approach and surpass the group that was in front of them. He clears his throat and everything is burning. “How do you, uh—separate it in your mind,” he says, knowing they’ve probably discussed it before, but these conversations always hurt so bad that he has a hard time focusing in them. “You know—all the hurt and—well, me—the real me, not the—the shitty me, who fucked you over—”

Philip starts soothing his hand up and down Lukas’s arm. “We made it out the other side of that, all of it,” Philip says. “And it doesn’t—what happened doesn’t negate what we got out of the situation, how we—made ourselves better, made our life. There’s no blame, anywhere, you know that. If I had lost her, _and_ lost you—in any capacity—I probably wouldn’t have made it.”

Lukas wishes they hadn’t fallen into this again, but it’ll always be waters they have to wade through. They just have to stop each other from drowning. 

“The best decision I ever made,” Philip says, as the trail gets steeper, “is sticking by you, no matter what. Because now we have this. Now we have us. And that’s everything, that’s—you’re my life. And this is what she wanted for me.”

Lukas nods, his heart in his throat. “This was a stupid game.”

Philip laughs. “You know what’s a good game?” he asks. He doesn’t give Lukas a second to come up with any kind of reply before he’s grabbing him by his lapels and tugging him off the trail, smashing their mouths together. It’s a hard kiss, the kind they give each other to prove something, and Lukas knows Philip wants to prove that it’s okay. It’s okay that they made it, okay for him to feel guilty, okay to not, okay to know he isn’t the one whose fault this is. And it’s okay that neither of them are over it, not really—it’ll crop up in moments they least expect it, and it’ll never be completely gone. Philip’s kiss tells him that’s alright, and it’s alright to be happy, too. 

“What kind of game is this?” Lukas asks, trying to keep his balance. They’re close to the edge of the cliff and they both look over, out into the vast expanse of the canyon. But Lukas doesn’t feel like he’s gonna fall, because of the hold Philip’s got on him. 

“The kissing game,” Philip says. “Give a kiss, take a kiss.”

“Sounds like a really good game,” Lukas says, kissing him again. 

“C’mon,” Philip says. “Sit on the edge here, we can swing our legs over.”

“Isn’t that dangerous?” Lukas asks, already following him. There’s another trail below them if they fell, and a lot of trees, but they’d really have to aim right if they wanted to make it there with a couple broken legs instead of dead on the cliff below.

“We’ve got plenty of room here,” Philip says, wobbling down so he’s sitting. He points past them to the edge of the mountain, a little higher. “Look at those fuckin guys.”

Lukas looks. There are about four or five dudes and a few of them are literally hanging off the edge of a cliff, all laughing and taking pictures of each other. Lukas narrows his eyes, his heart slip-sliding just looking at them. 

“That’s dangerous,” Philip says. “We’re fine, this is a big rock. Just—getting a good look at the view from a better angle.”

Lukas sits down behind him and Philip puts his backpack aside and leans back against Lukas’s chest. They’re on a pretty substantial ledge, and Lukas figures a bunch of people probably sit and look out, here. But he keeps looking down at Philip’s legs meeting the air and getting paranoid.

“I know how hard it is to live inside your own head,” Philip says. “I always—you know this, I always blamed myself for everything, put myself in charge and it’s like—sometimes things just…as bad and as terrible as they are, as much as we want to change them—sometimes they’re out of our hands.”

Lukas nods, wrapping his arms around Philip’s middle and holding him tight.

“That guy, he was—a lunatic,” Philip says. “But me and you—we made it past him. We always have to remember that, no matter what we lost, before, during and after him…we’re safe now. We are, Lukas. We’re safe, and we’re together.”

“You’re right,” Lukas says. He tries not to think about what they had before, and only of what they have now. Everything in the whole world is right here in his arms. 

“I’m thinking of a good question my husband should definitely know about me, and it was probably on your list, too,” Philip says.

“What?” Lukas asks, kissing Philip’s shoulder. 

“Favorite position?” Philip asks, still staring out into the canyon.

Lukas smiles. “Easy,” he says. He leans in to whisper into Philip’s ear. “You like to be in my lap.”

Philip nods. “You know me so well.”

“But I really don’t think you can nail down one in particular for me, babe,” Lukas says. “I want you every which way.”

“What a diplomatic answer,” Philip says, putting one of his hands over both of Lukas’s own. 

“Question,” Lukas says, clearing his throat. “About you, not—not me.”

“Okay,” Philip says, and he seems to relax a little bit more.

“You mentioned adoption to Helen—I mean—we definitely haven’t talked about that,” Lukas says, and his voice breaks when he laughs. His heart is fluttering in his chest.

Philip doesn’t say anything for a second. “What do you, uh—think of it?” he asks. His tone is cautious, reminiscent of the conversations they used to have in high school.

“I don’t—I’m not sure,” Lukas says. “I never…I never really pictured myself, uh…” He sighs, shaking his head, swaying the two of them back and forth a little bit. “I have no idea. I didn’t know what I wanted growing up because I was so confused, all the time. I was too afraid to even look at girls, I hated thinking about marriage so I definitely didn’t think about being a…a dad, but—”

“I think you’d be really good at it,” Philip says. “You’d be…the fucking cutest, best dad ever.” His voice breaks like he’s getting emotional and that makes Lukas emotional too. He rests his head on Philip’s shoulder and laughs. 

“Well, we’re—we’re still young, so not any time soon—”

“Yeah, like…we can travel a little bit before—”

“Yeah, get some of that out of the way, make sure we do everything we gotta do—”

“And we’d probably…no, definitely, we’d need to move,” Philip says, shifting a little bit and pulling his legs up under him. “And houses are expensive in New York, so we’d probably just have to find a bigger apartment—”

“Yeah, so we’d have to save up for that—”

“And adoption processes are always like, really long—”

“Maybe we could…foster a kid that needs to be adopted,” Lukas says, before he even realizes he’s saying it. “I know there are like, situations, where the kid is already the ward of the state and they need to be adopted—I mean, it’s an option, after we like, discuss everything—”

Philip twists a little bit in his arms, freaking Lukas out, and then he cups Lukas’s face in his hands and kisses him. It’s a lot softer than the kiss he gave him to knock him out of his guilt and sadness moments before and it goes on longer, Philip lavishing him, licking at his lower lip.

“We’re gonna get kicked out of Grand Canyon National Park for putting on a display,” Lukas says.

“You’re the one that wanted to take your pants off back there,” Philip says, kissing him again. 

Lukas lets out a stilted laugh, trying to scoot them back and away from the ledge.

“You’re just so cute,” Philip says. “You’re so, so wonderful.”

“Yeah?” Lukas asks, their foreheads pressed together. “You sure?”

“Yes,” Philip says. 

Lukas feels so weirdly nervous. “I think I do…I do want…” He’s like almost shaking and he sighs again.

“I do too,” Philip says, stroking Lukas’s cheek. “Let’s give it a good five years,” he says. “We can look into it more in the meantime, but then—we can really get going on it.”

“That’s a good amount of time,” Lukas says, letting out a heady breath. He laughs, tears clinging to his eyelashes. He feels terrified and exhilarated and completely, utterly in love. “Hey,” he says.

“Hey,” Philip answers, nuzzling his nose against Lukas’s.

“I really, really love you,” Lukas says, sniffling.

“I really, really love you too.”

~

They finally make it back to the cabin what feels like a hundred years later, put on more comfortable clothes, and fall into bed, immediately slipping off into an unplanned nap. It’s one of those where Lukas feels half asleep and half awake, the light shifting through the room and over his eyelids like a sentient thing that’s living and breathing in the room with them. Lukas curls around Philip in his sleep and feels every sigh.

Weirdly enough, he dreams of sleeping. How they used to sleep together in the beginning, hands touching tentatively, how they’d both pretend to be asleep for the longest time just to make sure the other was comfortable. Lukas falls back into his skin in those days, the Philip next to him with his head on his chest and quiet tears making dark spots on Lukas’s shirt.

_I’m sorry, I—I don’t want to—_

_I don’t care if you’re crying, baby—how long did I cry for, yesterday? An hour straight? Felt like ten years—_

Philip’s laugh was like song birds.

Then they’re at the bottom of the Grand Canyon, and Lukas isn’t wearing pants. Philip is only in his boxers and he’s zipping back and forth across the Colorado River, which is completely still and a lot smaller than Lukas would have expected. Philip turns around and, in slow motion, walks up to Lukas. He’s able to take in everything that he loves about him, which is _everything_ , and once again he looks like he has a halo because of the way the sun catches in his hair.

“Stop having a halo,” Lukas says, swiping above Philip’s head. “You’re never allowed to be an actual angel because you’re not allowed to die.”

Philip just grins at him, stepping forward and bracing his hands on Lukas’s shoulders. He whispers in his ear, but Lukas can hear it vibrating off all the canyon walls.

“I wanna watch you ride that mechanical bull.”

Lukas shocks himself awake then, jarring the bed and causing a little worry line between Philip’s eyebrows. Lukas sighs, leaning back on the pillows, and Philip throws an arm over his stomach.

“Nice nap,” Philip mutters.

“Weird dreams,” Lukas says, rubbing his temples. “What time is it?”

Philip looks at his watch. “Six.”

Lukas taps his fingers together and peers over at Philip. “Wanna go to that weird bar?” he asks.

Philip narrows his eyes, pulling the quilt up a little higher. “The one from the flyer?” he asks.

Lukas nods. “Messy Pig.”

“The one the crazy guy told us about?” Philip asks, sounding more and more incredulous with every word.

“We don’t know he was crazy,” Lukas says. “He just had a lot of tattoos and piercings. That doesn’t mean he’s crazy. You’re being very judgey, Shea. We have tattoos, too.”

Philip glares at him. “I did not think he was crazy because of that, I got—a vibe.”

“Philip,” Lukas says, reaching over and running the pads of his fingers over the veins in Philip’s wrist. “I could ride that mechanical bull for you. Imagine the boomerang you could get out of that.”

Philip stares, considering. 

Lukas slides up close to him, so they’re nose to nose. He picks at the hem of Philip’s shirt, runs his nail over the streaks of blue in the material. “Babe,” he says. Philip grunts at him. “Best hot wings within a hundred miles of the canyon, guaranteed.”

Philip smiles, covering his face with his hand. He looks so fucking cute that Lukas has to peel his hand away and kiss him. He kisses all his favorite spots, which is Philip’s entire face, and soon they’re both wiggling and laughing and Lukas is burying his face in Philip’s neck. He feels his stomach go through the tumultuous journey it takes whenever he’s reminded how fucking much he loves Philip. Which is all, all the time.

“I know you want hot wings,” Lukas says, still tickling him, kissing Philip’s smile every time it flashes in his direction. “I’ve seen you devour a basket of hot wings—”

“Stop judging me—” Philip laughs.

“I’m not, I love it—” Lukas gets a good push from Philip that makes him fold in on himself, and he laughs, breathless.

Philip makes a triumphant noise and climbs on top of him, continuing to tickle, his expert hands roaming over Lukas’s middle. “Okay,” Philip says, kissing Lukas’s neck. “Okay, let’s go.”

~

The place is actually not as weird as Lukas was expecting. It’s really interesting looking, pretty small and intimate, the lighting red and the walls covered from ceiling to floor with old newspapers and license plates. Everybody in here looks like tourists, and Lukas thinks he sees another gay couple down at the end of the bar. The logo is of a pig with hot sauce all over his face, holding a knife and fork, which sends Philip into a question session about what the hell it’s eating.

The mechanical bull is in the biggest part of the building, down some stairs and behind the bar. There are a bunch of video games back there lining the walls, and a whole area where it looks like people are playing board games. 

“This place is cool,” Lukas says, walking up to the edge of the bar and pulling Philip’s chair out. “I’m glad we ubered.”

“Let’s not get blasted,” Philip says, as they both sit down. There’s a happy hour menu in front of them and Lukas pulls it forward.

“Yeah,” Lukas says. “Just enough to get me onto that bull.”

~

They watch other people get on it and get thrown off within seconds. They eat their hot wings. Lukas orders them the half priced drinks called Berry Believers and they get the job done once they have two each. Lukas feels pleasantly buzzed, but definitely not blasted. He wonders how long they’ll be able to go out drinking like this—until they’re fifty? Will it be weird then? They definitely won’t be able to go out a lot if they have a kid. 

They might have a kid. It freaks Lukas out in the best fucking way. He tries to stop thinking about it, because they’re a long way off, but it feels like an opened door that Lukas didn’t really know was there in the first place. 

Lukas finishes off his third drink and tugs Philip close so his chair squeals against the tile. Philip snorts, half-heartedly pushing against him. Lukas likes it when it’s cold outside because Philip’s cheeks get all rosy and his hands are constantly frozen, so Lukas gets to hold them and kiss them and tuck his fingers into his jacket. And the heat inside places does something beautiful to Philip too, after being out in the cold, creating a flush up his neck and making his lips redder. 

“You’re really perfect, babe,” Lukas says, warming Philip’s hands between both of his own. He thumbs over Philip’s wedding ring and his heart flutters.

“Nope,” Philip says.

“Yup.”

Philip clicks his tongue at him. “I want another Berry Believer and another plate of nachos.”

“What about the eggrolls?” Lukas asks. He’s been getting in the habit of ordering eggroll appetizers whenever they’re offered to him, and he loves sharing with Philip, loves how picky he gets over sauces and how he picks at the roll, peeling it layer by layer like he’s never eaten an eggroll before and doesn’t know how to adapt.

“I’ll give you your whole tab free if one of you can stay on the bull for a full thirty seconds,” the bartender says, wiping down a non-existent spill and raising his eyebrows at them.

Lukas looks at Philip, his heart picking up its pace.

“You think you can do it for that long?” Philip asks, fingernails circling the button on Lukas’s shirt. “Everybody we’ve seen has been tossed off in like five seconds.”

“I can try,” Lukas says, shrugging. “I was gonna ride it for you anyways.” He quickly leans in and drops a kiss between Philip’s brows, and then he lets go of his hand, nodding at the bartender as he heads over to the bull. He hears Philip drop down and follow him too, and Lukas is pretty happy that there are only like six people over there that hopefully won’t be too tempted to watch him.

The bartender slaps the bull operator on the back and rouses him from his girly magazine, points at Lukas and winks his good luck. Lukas starts to climb up on the mat around the bull but Philip tugs on his hand, stopping him.

“Kiss for luck,” Philip says, and Lukas hopes this isn’t legitimate worry in his eyes. Lukas doesn’t think anybody’s gotten permanently maimed by riding on a mechanical bull, but then again he has no real idea. He kisses Philip anyway because he never needs a reason to. 

“See you in like forty five seconds,” Lukas says, trying to be optimistic.

Philip nods and in the midst of the worry, excitement brews. Lukas steps up on the pad and climbs up onto the bull as best as he can, nearly toppling to the ground in his pursuits, which drags him down a bit because it doesn’t bode well. He takes a hold of the strap on the saddle underhanded like he’d seen some of the other dudes do, and he pulls up to it as close as he can, reaching up with his right arm. He sorta wishes he had a cowboy hat, because he knows Philip would like that, but he can barely get through that train of thought before the bull shudders to life and starts to buck forward.

It rattles his brain but Lukas holds on tight, focusing on the bull’s head as it squeaks and rears around. When the bull goes forward he leans back and when it goes back, he leans forward. It reminds him a little of when he first started riding his bike, how he had to learn to move with it, react to it, and not fucking fall off when the slightest thing went wrong. He hears Philip whopping and hollering and he knows if he tries to look at him he’ll lose his focus, and he yelps when the bull starts to circle and spin, trying to throw him off. He holds tight to keep his balance.

He swivels his hips and somehow manages to keep on, laughing at himself and the whole situation. He never thought he’d ride a goddamn mechanical bull in his entire lifetime, but he realizes that he’d probably do any-fucking-thing to impress Philip. He arches his back and gets tossed slightly, leaning dangerously off one side, but he quickly reorients himself and tightens his thighs around the bull, holding onto the strap. He tries not to let it send him too far into the air every time it bucks, but he feels himself lift up and come back down. He doesn’t at all think about riding Philip like this. Not. At. All.

His heart rages against his ribcage and he definitely should have been keeping track of the time—he whips back and forth and the bull spins again, and he can hear more people than Philip cheering now. He wonders how he looks, if he looks good, and he makes the mistake of bracing his right hand on the bull just as it rears back—he loses his balance and he’s thrown through the air, tossed off to the far end of the mat.

He lands well, thankfully, and he rubs his thigh where it hit the ground. It feels like bruises might crop up from how he was gripping the bull with his legs, but the thought disappears from his mind as soon as Philip is climbing over the edge of the mat and crashing down next to him.

“You okay?” Philip asks, taking Lukas’s face in his hands.

“Yeah,” Lukas says, a little breathless, and maybe the aches are already rising to the surface, but he doesn’t wanna think about that. “How long?”

“Thirty-two seconds,” Philip says, looking smug as hell.

“Alright, cowboy,” the bartender calls. “Get up here and get your free shit.”

Philip and Lukas grin at each other, and Philip takes him by the arm, hauling him to his feet.

Lukas feels fucking _great._

~

Forty five minutes later they’re naked and trembling in each other’s arms, Philip’s deft fingers wrapped around both of their cocks and stroking, working Lukas tight and hot and so, so good. Lukas is sweating and he clutches at Philip, claws at his shoulder blades and sucks on his earlobe. 

“You looked so fucking sexy,” Philip whispers, voice wavering, breath hot. “Your goddamn hips—ah, Lukas, the way you fucking _move_ —”

Lukas is a live wire, a raw nerve, and Philip plucks him and electrifies him and makes him make noises he didn’t think he was capable of making. “Philip,” he mutters, his eyes rolling back into his head when Philip twists his wrist on the upstroke. They’re leaking all over each other, sweat upon sweat, and Philip nudges his curling toes against Lukas’s, shoving his knee between Lukas’s thighs. It burns like it did when he was riding the bull and his breath hitches, but Philip surges forward, sinking his tongue into Lukas’s mouth. He speeds up his hand and whimpers, shaking, and Lukas twists his other hand in Philip’s hair, everything contorting and boiling, fireworks. He can hardly think.

“God, Lukas,” Philip groans, biting at Lukas’s lower lip as he works them faster, faster. “God, baby—God, you, you—”

He doesn’t finish the sentence, arching his neck back as he comes. But, ever the pleaser, he keeps jerking the two of them together as he rides out his orgasm, his hand moving fast through the slip-slide of his own release. He thumbs over the head of Lukas’s cock and Lukas sucks in a breath, falling forward and into the crook of Philip’s neck. It takes him fast. He makes stupid, stupid gasping noises, grasping at Philip like he could never hold him tight enough, and his whole world narrows down to the way they feel, here, like this.

Philip wraps his dirty hand around Lukas’s ass, squeezing it. Lukas laughs, lovey dovey again, trying to catch his breath. He kisses along Philip’s bare shoulder, nips at his collarbone. He keeps laughing, so content and boneless, gathering Philip even closer. 

“You were definitely peacocking up there,” Philip huffs, but Lukas can hear the grin in his voice.

“Was not,” Lukas says, kissing one of Philip’s many freckles, sucking at the skin. “I was just being myself.”

“Mhm, mhm.” Philip sighs, that sated, satisfied sound that Lukas loves attributing to himself. “God, too fucking hot, Lukas. Ridiculous.”

Lukas laughs and it isn’t cute at all, high pitched and embarrassing, but Philip laughs too, kissing Lukas’s temple. “Not as hot as you,” Lukas says. “You should have done it. I probably would have had a heart attack and died.”

“Good thing I didn’t,” Philip says. “But I definitely wouldn’t have lasted for thirty seconds. Maybe like, fifteen, since I’m used to being on the bike with you.”

“Guess we need more bike practice,” Lukas says, rubbing Philip’s back. “I need to let you ride again sometime.”

“I’m terrible at it,” Philip says. “We literally just tipped over.”

Lukas snorts at the memory. “But we were fine after that.”

Philip seems to muse about it for a couple long, quiet moments. “When we visit Tivoli again, we’ll see,” he says. 

“Good deal,” Lukas says, because he loves the way Philip looks and acts when he drives the bike. He kisses Philip’s cheek. “Okay. Bath time then bed.”

“We’re just gonna soak in there for a hundred years before we get out because that’s what we do,” Philip says, groaning as they both make to sit up, disentangling.

“Yeah,” Lukas says, a wash of warmth running through him. “That’s what we do.”

~  
~

Philip wakes up as the little spoon, Lukas’s arm wrapped around him and their bodies pressed together in a long puzzle piece line. Philip smiles, loves how loved this makes him feel, and he’s just about to close his eyes again when he sees his phone flash and buzz. It’s just a text but he can’t tell who it’s from because his phone is on silent. He reaches out, trying not to jar Lukas much, and takes it, keeping it plugged in.

A message from Bo. _Hope you two have a wonderful day today. Love all the pictures you’ve been putting up. I need to get my own Instagram so I can stop looking over Sarah’s shoulder. You’re very talented, Lukas and the Grand Canyon are two good subjects put together. Hoping we can come up and visit you two when you get back home—let’s schedule something!_

Philip reads it a couple different times. It’s cute as fuck. He loves how his relationship with Bo has changed, how they can text and talk and make new memories without there being a stain on them. It’s another thing he never thought he’d get, and if he could put his entire life into two lists, good things he thought he’d have and good things he thought he wouldn’t, most of the things he’s gotten would be in the second column. Every single shining smile from Lukas. Every dorky text from Bo. Every single talk he’s had with Gabe, every kiss Helen has pressed to his cheek, with that unbearably fond look in her eyes, like she loves him, values him, really, really wants him around. He never thought he’d have a dog either, let alone two, and friends he could leave them with when they’re able to go on a nice honeymoon vacation.

Marriage. Honeymoon. In the list of impossible things, things that _will_ never happen. And yet. And yet.

He texts Bo back. _Aww thank you! And thank you so much for this trip! It’s been amazing. Glad you guys are liking the pictures, and yes! Get an Instagram! It’s the best way to keep track of us ;) And we can definitely set something up! We always want to see you guys._

He gently puts his phone back on the bedside table, shivering a little bit and scooting back into Lukas’s warm embrace. Lukas makes one of his sleepy sounds, and Philip can feel goosebumps on his arms too. They definitely need to light a fire tonight and get some romantic ambiance going before they’ve lost their opportunity, and it’ll also help because it seems to be getting colder and colder. They’ll have to plan for that when they go out for their hike later.

It’s still an hour or so until they’re supposed to get up, and Philip smiles to himself, thinking of the helicopter ride and dinner they’re gonna have today. He knows it was fucking expensive, which hopefully means it’s gonna be ridiculously good. He needs to get his camera ready—these are gonna be the peak views, of both the canyon and Lukas’s happiness. 

He thinks about Helen’s photo album again, and knows for a fact they need to have their own. He’s got so many pictures of their life together that he could probably fill twenty. 

Lukas mutters in his sleep. “Philip, can’t—don’t eat that—”

Philip snorts, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to keep from laughing. He wonders what he’s trying to eat in Lukas’s dream, and he sorta wishes they could meet there, too, because there’s nothing Philip wants more than to gain new insight into Lukas’s mind. He could probably find his way around there pretty well as it is.

He lets out an easy, steady breath, chasing sleep.

~

The trail is a little more slippery in the morning, and Philip wonders if it snowed the night before. He can’t find any evidence of it but it’s definitely colder, and they’re more bundled up than they have been the whole trip. Even though it’s a Monday it feels like there are more people here today. On the trail they chose Philip can peer over the edge and see the rest of it below them, and he can easily see the people above, getting higher and higher. This is a medium difficulty trail, and it seems a little harder since it’s so slippery. They go slow.

“Your dad wants to come up and visit,” Philip says, watching Lukas’s back, his big blue puffy jacket, his blond hair sticking into the collar. 

“When?” Lukas asks, sorta looking over his shoulder.

“He just said sometime after we get back,” Philip says. “Think it could be nice. I can’t tell if he means Helen and Gabe too.”

“Probably does,” Lukas says, moving closer to the edge when he hears a little yelp and a scream. They both look over but then laughter follows. “It’s too slippery up here,” Lukas says. “We should probably go back.”

“We can in a little bit,” Philip says, thinking of that one photo spot he saw in the guide. 

“Just be careful,” Lukas says, holding a hand out behind him. “But yeah, I don’t think he’d leave Helen and Gabe out, they’d probably get pissed.”

“Well, he’s allowed to come without them,” Philip says, avoiding a rock, looking up when the trees start swaying with a gust of wind. “Just because we’re attached at the hip doesn’t mean they have to be.”

Lukas laughs. “We’ll figure it out,” he says. 

They both take the next couple of steps slowly, the trees shaking and shimmying again, and before Philip even has a moment to think there’s a rock in their path, a pebble, small enough to mean nothing and everything all at the same time. Lukas steps on it before Philip can say anything, and he doesn’t know why these moments have to either race by or go in slow motion. This one is slow—Lukas tripping, wavering, slipping on the trail which might as well be an ice rink in that moment, and going over the edge. His hands rake through the air trying to catch onto anything and Philip screams, trying to grab him, but he’s gone. 

Philip drops to his knees and watches him slide over the edge, slide and slide until two dudes on the trail below nearly topple over each other trying to break his fall. They do, he lands in between them, and all three of them just sit there on the ground, two women running over and almost falling too in their pursuit to help them.

Philip is frozen. He nearly goes over the edge himself in his pure panic. There’s dirt under his nails where he clawed at the earth trying to get a hold of Lukas on his way down. A reminder of his failure to do so. His vision is shaky and he can’t breathe and his heart is fit to burst, beating so fast he feels like he’s going to seize up and die right here. He can’t function, he can’t figure out what the fuck just happened. Only that it’s his worst fear, and he can’t move. They joked about it a thousand times. A thousand times over and over through the past days. He swallows hard, tears springing to his eyes.

“Lukas!” he yells, his voice sounding foreign and ragged. “Lukas, Lukas—are you okay?” Philip stares down—the women are cupping Lukas’s face and the men are brushing him off but he’s not looking up and saying anything. They were hiking higher, trying to reach the top, but now all Philip wants to do is go back down again. 

Lukas looks up. “I’m okay!” he yells, but he sounds scared.

One of the guys looks up too, waving at him. “We don’t see any injuries, no blood!”

“Can he walk?” Philip yells, still nearly crying.

Both of the guys take Lukas’s arms and haul him to his feet, and Philip’s heart lurches because there’s no real way not be close to the edge. The ladies stay close and look at him, both clearly moms. Lukas takes a few steps and he seems fine, but Philip won’t feel good unless he’s touching him, unless they’re back on solid ground. 

“I’m fine,” Lukas yells, waving up at him. “Philip!”

“I’m coming,” Philip says, pointing down at him, scrambling to his feet. “I’m coming right now, stay there!”

“Be careful!” Lukas yells. “Don’t go fast!”

Philip doesn’t even say anything back, just starts back the way they came and tries not to slip around the hairpin turn and fall himself. He feels like he’s gonna have a heart attack and he tries not to pass out, get lightheaded, and he’s afraid he’s going the wrong way for a bit before he turns and sees the group surrounding Lukas. 

“It’s fine,” Lukas says, approaching him.

Philip doesn’t see anything, or anyone, nothing around him but Lukas. He rushes into him and wraps his arms around his middle, gasping and trying to breathe.

“He’s fine,” one of the ladies says. “Lucky as hell.”

“This is the second time today I’ve seen that shit happen,” one of the guys says. “I think it’s way too slippery, we should probably all head back and wait for the sun to warm the paths and make it less like a fuckin’ winter wonderland—”

“You’re the one who wanted to come in January, Jerry—”

“It’s been fine so far,” the other woman says. “We’ve been here for a week—”

Philip tries to breathe. He just tries to breathe. 

“I think we’re definitely gonna head back to the cabin,” Lukas laughs, and Philip tracks every breath of his, every heartbeat. “Thank you guys, so, so much for being there—I feel like I owe everybody here a couple drinks.”

“No way, man, we weren’t gonna let you fall—”

“It’s alright, sweetheart, we’re just glad you’re okay—”

Philip straightens up, looking at Lukas’s face. It almost looks like nothing happened, he really doesn’t have any cuts or bruises anywhere. One of the women puts her hand on Philip’s shoulder and he’s shocked back to earth where other people are, turning to look at her.

“He’s alright,” she says, nodding. “You can breathe.”

He’s definitely been trying. He nods and wonders if these four can tell what they are, that they’re married, that their lives revolve around each other and Philip’s whole world nearly collapsed when he saw Lukas sliding down the side of this mountain.

They say their goodbyes and Lukas hugs the others, and Philip tries to memorize their faces—he doesn’t want to think about what would have happened had they not been there.

They walk slowly back the way they came, and nothing seems the same.

“Is my backpack okay?” Lukas asks, reaching back a little bit.

Philip keeps him on the inside of the path as they continue and looks at his backpack. He’s still shaking but Lukas seems to be acting nonchalant. “Rocks and dust,” Philip says, wiping them away. “I don’t see any rips or anything…”

“I don’t have anything breakable in there,” Lukas says. “So it should be okay.”

Philip walks up alongside him. He reaches out and brushes his hair back. He keeps feeling like he’s gonna burst into tears. He’s back in those moments in junior year, when Lukas almost died, Lukas almost died, Lukas almost died. A gunshot. It could have been over. And here too. It’s fucking unimaginable.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Philip asks, the question coming out shaky and nervous.

Lukas heaves a sigh. “I’m a little shook up,” he says. “But physically…I feel fine, it’s like…nothing feels broken or hurt or anything. If I hadn’t been hurdling into the Grand Canyon it would have been like being on a water slide.”

Philip swallows hard and feels like he’s gonna throw up. “Jesus,” he mutters. He hears that gunshot echoing in his head, over and over, over and over. “I hate how much we were joking about this and then it happens, it’s like…we brought it out.”

“No,” Lukas says. “I’m here, nothing—nothing permanent happened, like all the dumb shit I was saying.”

“I was being too flippant with it,” Philip says, sucking in a breath. “Wasn’t—God, I should have really thought about the real danger, what could have really happened. I just didn’t—I wasn’t really thinking, how easily…how easily it can…”

Lukas wraps an arm around his shoulders. “It’s okay, babe, I promise,” he says. “It’s…fucked up, yeah, that it happened. Yeah.”

“Yeah,” Philip agrees. Beyond fucked up.

“But I’m okay,” Lukas says, squeezing Philip and hugging him closer. “I’m okay, I was…I was lucky.”

But what if he hadn’t been? Philip doesn’t say it out loud.

“We’re not telling them that happened,” Lukas says. He shakes his head, touching his own chest and stomach like he can’t believe he’s still here. Philip wonders how often this happens here, how often people fall and are fine, how close they come to death and manage to walk away from it. He feels like looking up statistics is gonna freak him out, but he knows he’ll probably do it once they’re back at the lodge. 

Lukas picks at Philip’s sleeve and keeps an arm around him. They’re walking slower now, a lot more carefully, and avoiding rocks like the fucking plague. “Listen, it’s—yeah, it sucks, but don’t—don’t let it ruin our honeymoon. I’m fine, just like those people said, it was the second time they’d seen it happen. It’s probably happening all up and down that trail. It’s too cold right now, we probably shouldn’t have gone out this early.”

Philip just nods but he can’t think straight. He can’t rationalize this, any of this, can’t subvert his horror or move past it. Lukas could have died. Again. Philip’s whole body feels like it’s on fire even though it’s freezing, and he can’t think straight, can’t get past that moment of Lukas struggling to grab onto something that wasn’t there, Lukas cascading over the side of the fucking mountain in an event that probably had million to one odds and still managed to happen.

He doesn’t get it. Why does this kind of shit keeps hitting them? Will they ever have peace? He knows there are tons of families that come to the Grand Canyon and have a great goddamn time without nearly falling to their deaths and he doesn’t get why that can’t happen for them. 

“Baby,” Lukas whispers. He pulls them towards the wall, away from the edge, and takes Philip’s face in his hands and makes him look at him. Philip almost starts crying again just meeting his eyes, and he looks down. Lukas makes a little noise, half sweetness half sadness, and pulls him in, kissing him and kissing him with all kinds of love and intention. “I’m okay,” he whispers. “I’m okay, I’m okay, I promise.” He rubs Philip’s back and Philip just shakes his head, trying to breathe in Lukas’s scent and center himself. 

“Let’s just go back,” Philip says, trying so hard not to fucking cry.

Lukas kisses him again, and holds him tenderly, but Philip doesn’t wanna be on this fucking trail anymore.

~

There’s a park ranger by the opening to the trail, who nods at them when they come out. “We’re closing this one for the time being,” he says. “Got reports of it being a little slippery.”

“Yeah, a little,” Philip snaps, as they keep on. He’s walking faster and he sighs, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Bright Angel Trail is still open!” the park ranger calls, but Philip doesn’t reply. 

“Philip,” Lukas says, catching up with him and grabbing his elbow. “It’s actually kinda funny, if you like—”

Philip scoffs at him. “It isn’t funny.”

“I fell off a mountain. I mean, how dumb,” Lukas says, laughing. 

Philip’s emotions are literally all over the place and he has no idea how to act or feel. “We have to take Bright Angel to get back, so we better go easy.”

“Philip, it’s dumb,” Lukas says, as they start towards Bright Angel. “It’s just like, a dumb thing that happened, so silly and cartoonish and I’m fine.”

“It’s fine,” Philip says, shaking his head. “How far from the lodge are we right now?”

“Uh…” Lukas says. “I think it’s like fifteen minutes.”

“Okay,” Philip says. This trail is a lot easier than the one they just came from, with railings, which Philip is grateful for. 

“You’re not mad, right?” Lukas asks, alongside him, close to the mountain wall. 

“Of course I’m not mad,” Philip says. But there is anger inside him, it just isn’t directed at Lukas. He doesn’t really know where to direct it, or what to make of it, or what to do with it. He’s got all the emotions right now, holding them in his chest like a breath he’s been keeping for too long.

“Are you gonna be okay?” Lukas asks, a hand at the base of Philip’s neck.

Philip leans into the touch and sighs. “I’m not the one that fell so it makes me feel kinda dumb that I’m not asking you that, but I’m just—semi traumatized by the whole thing. I just keep picturing it…not ending the way that it did.”

“Well don’t,” Lukas says. “Remember what they told us—don’t force yourself to consider an outcome that didn’t happen and that freaks you out—my translation.”

Philip sucks in a breath and nods. “Let’s just….pretend it didn’t happen.”

“Good idea,” Lukas says. “We’re gonna go get a nice lunch, bum around in the cabin for a bit and go on our helicopter ride.” He stops for a couple long moments. “Is that…is that still fine?”

“Of course,” Philip says. He knows Lukas spent a lot of money on it. He’s sure it’ll be okay. They’ll be with professional people. It’ll be fine. He leans into Lukas a little bit and sighs, wanting to be close to him. 

~

They head over to the El Tovar Lodge Dining Room, which is nicer than the cafeteria at Bright Angel Lodge. They have a small lunch because they know their dinner is gonna be big, but Philip hardly eats his salad. He can’t get out of his own head. They go back to the cabin after eating and crash on the bed, watching stupid videos on Lukas’s laptop. 

Lukas turns and kisses Philip’s head. “You know I love you, right?”

Philip keeps feeling like he needs to memorize his voice. “I love you,” he says. 

“You think we should bring our backpacks into the helicopter?” Lukas asks. “We’re not gonna be hiking or anything, they’re just gonna drop us to eat and then take us back again.”

“We could probably take a few things out.” But then he thinks about the helicopter leaving them on the canyon floor for some reason. He thinks they might need that fucking personal locator he was making fun of Lukas for. “Or maybe let’s just leave them as they are,” he says.

“Yeah?” Lukas asks.

“Yeah,” Philip says, swallowing hard. 

Lukas puts his laptop aside and braces himself on his elbow, hovering over Philip. He cups his face and strokes his cheekbone—he looks at him, really, really looks at him, like he hasn’t seen him before or like he might not see him again. Or like the fall made him think more than he’s letting on, and he’s taking a moment for himself to re-center, like Philip’s been trying to do since it happened. Philip covers Lukas’s hand with his own and holds it to his cheek, turning into it to kiss his palm a few times. Lukas leans down and kisses Philip’s cheek, soft and sweet, and he rests there for a moment, just breathing. 

“You’re the only person in the entire world I wanna be alone with,” Lukas whispers. 

“Good,” Philip says, laughing a little bit.

“I mean it,” Lukas whispers. “It’d be okay, if we lived alone on the planet. The others aren’t gone, like—they’re not dead, they’re just on another planet. This is our planet.”

Philip laughs harder. He kisses Lukas’s hand again, running his fingers between Lukas’s fingers, over the ridges of his knuckles. “What about the dogs?”

“We can still have the dogs,” Lukas whispers, kissing Philip’s cheek, then his forehead, twice. “And we can still adopt a kid when we’re ready. But until then we’re alone. With the dogs. And like…everything is free, and we have a self-flying car to get around, my bike still if I wanna drive it…and a self-flying plane for farther travel.”

“Wow,” Philip says, sighing when Lukas kisses the corner of his mouth. “We’re really relying on technology. This could end up like Terminator.”

“Don’t think of it like that,” Lukas says, finally kissing Philip full-on. “The plane is just there so we can travel. We’ll go everywhere and it’d be free. People on the other planet are still producing things we like and sending them to this planet for us. For free. So we can have whatever we want.”

“You’ve really thought this through,” Philip says, reaching up and touching Lukas’s cheek with his free hand. 

“So I can be alone with you,” Lukas says, looking at him again, intensely. “Really, really alone. I’d never get sick of it. You’re just…I just love when you’re there.”

Philip feels himself tearing up again. Lukas looks so, so bright and beautiful and honest right now. “Kiss me again,” he whispers, and Lukas does, their lips sliding together. It’s chaste and quiet, full of words they aren’t saying, and Philip wonders how many times in their lives they’re going to pledge themselves to each other like this. He wonders how deep love can run, if he’s going to continue falling deeper and deeper the rest of his life.

~

They drive to the place where the helicopter is going to take off from, and they don’t have to wait long before they’re ushered out to a landing pad where theirs is waiting for them.

“I upgraded to the nicer helicopter,” Lukas says, leaning over and whisper-yelling in Philip’s ear. “It’s got wraparound windows so we’ll get a better view. Also, more leg space.”

It reminds him of how Lukas is always shouting out amenities when they’re searching for hotels and he laughs, watching Lukas’s hair whip around in the wind. The sun isn’t setting yet but Philip knows it’s soon, and it seems like they’ve scheduled this flight perfectly. He tries to stay in the moment, tries not to think about what happened earlier. He tries to bury it—give it a slot alongside all the other trauma, and pile all the good things on top of it. 

Their pilot is standing by the side of the helicopter and Philip is happy to see that it’s a woman. For some reason, it makes him feel safer. The helicopter is pretty loud on its own just sitting there, and the pilot waves at them.

“Hey boys!” she calls, grinning. “Heard it’s your honeymoon!”

“That it is,” Lukas says, squeezing Philip’s hand. Philip loves that Lukas must have told them that somehow. Fucking adorable.

“Well, big congratulations,” the pilot says, nodding at them. “How’s your trip been so far?”

Then all Philip can think about is the fall, despite how good the rest of the trip has been. He tries to think about Lukas on the mechanical bull to make himself feel better. 

“Real good, thank you,” Lukas says. “We’ve been looking forward to this.”

“Well, you won’t be disappointed,” she says. “Just go inside, take the first two seats and put on your headphones. You’ll be getting some automated narration and updates from me as we go, and you’ll be able to talk to each other. Once we set down on the Canyon floor you’ll have a dinner waiting for you, you can take your time, and then we’ll head back here. I’ll make sure you get the best views of the canyon you can get. Sound good?”

“Sounds great,” Philip says, because he knows he needs to speak up or Lukas is gonna start getting nervous. 

She opens the door for them and helps them climb in, and she sorta reminds Philip of Helen. He does have a good amount of leg room and he drops his bag down between his knees—he quickly buckles up as Lukas gets in and the door is shut behind them. He makes sure Lukas buckles in too, and then he adjusts some of the settings on his camera, taking off the flash. Then both of them put their headphones on. Lukas looks at him with a little anxious smile as the helicopter rumbles to life, and Philip takes a picture of him—a couple, as he tends to do when he’s got Lukas in front of him. They’re close enough that their knees are touching, and Lukas leans in, pressing a lopsided kiss to Philip’s temple. 

It’s different than flying on a plane—their view is a lot better, though they’re just seeing a wave of trees right now. Philip sorta feels like he’s flying on his own if he looks out the window a certain way. He feels really light, and yet grounded with Lukas’s hand on his knee. 

“Coming up, here,” the pilot says. 

They both look up. The trees go by fast and then all of a sudden there are no trees, and they’re hovering over the Grand Canyon. The way they come upon it like that is insane, and it takes Philip’s breath away. It looks all encompassing, with the sun setting behind it in the sky and throwing out beams of light across the rusty red of the mountain walls. It’s beautiful. He keeps taking pictures, over and over, trying to capture and save it all.

But then he stops, because Lukas is laughing, that purely joyful sound that ripples through Philip’s heart and sends chills through his spine. He needs to live in the moment, and he swallows hard, letting his camera hang around his neck.

“Colorado River,” the pilot says. There’s some kind of narration about its history but Philip is distracted by the way it looks from up here, winding around like a snake. He knew they wouldn’t be able to hike anywhere near it so it’s amazing to see it from this angle, some of it calm and clear and other parts raging. He figures there could be people rafting down it somewhere, too small to make out from this altitude. 

The sunset makes everything that much more vibrant, like a spill of paint that only enhances instead of ruins. It’s unlike anything he’s ever seen before, especially from up here. 

Lukas leans in and kisses him again. “You like it?” he asks.

“I love it,” Philip declares, without thinking.

“This is how much I love you,” Lukas says, loudly, and he obviously doesn’t care if the pilot hears him. “All these colors. And way bigger….just think of this, like…times a trillion. A trillion billion.”

Philip’s heart seizes up and he shakes his head at him. The sunset turns deep orange behind his head, and Philip grips the back of his neck, kissing him.

~

They land a little ways away from the river and there are a few tables set up with lights surrounding them. They sorta look like a small outdoor restaurant, with fancy table cloths and waiters and the whole deal. They’re ushered over to the table that’s supposed to be theirs, a big bouquet of roses in the middle of it, and Philip thinks about how he never actually put in an order.

“I got you, uh, the pesto pasta option and a beer,” Lukas says, choosing to sit right next to Philip instead of across from him. “That okay?”

“Perfect,” Philip says, beaming at him, already looking forward to it. They’ve pretty much gotten their likes and dislikes when it comes to food down pat.

Their entrees come fast, almost as soon they sit down, and the candles flicker and the sun continues to douse the world around them in painted beauty and Philip is sorta freaking out at how gorgeous it all is. Lukas wore matching colors, his big red jacket and a brown sweater, and Philip knows he went off the deep end for Lukas a long time ago but he’s pretty sure his face should be studied in art classes and sculpted into clay and captured forever in watercolor. 

A waiter walks over with a champagne bottle.

“We didn’t order that,” Lukas says, still chewing.

“On the house for the honeymooners,” he says, nodding at them.

“Oh, savage,” Lukas says, and Philip snorts. The waiter grins at them and brings two glasses too, evenly distributing the champagne between them.

“This is so nice,” Philip says, the bubbles making their way down his throat, once they’re alone again. 

“Yeah, it’s really good,” Lukas says, looking at his glass. “Way better than that cheap champagne we bought last weekend.”

“I meant all of it,” Philp says, resting his elbows on the table and gazing at him.

“Oh, you like it?” Lukas asks. “As good as Del Posto?”

Philip has very, very visceral memories of the day they proposed to each other, and the incredible, life-changing meal is at the top of the things he remembers. “It’s close,” he says, laughing. 

“Bring that food down here and we have a perfect evening,” Lukas says, smiling. 

Philip hears the gunshot from all those years ago. He sees Lukas falling. 

Lukas takes Philip’s hand, kissing it. “I’m really getting excited about more traveling,” he says. “We gotta make a list of all the places we wanna go.”

Philip still isn’t thinking straight, because the only thing he can think is that he wants to go places where Lukas can’t fucking fall off of shit. “Yeah,” Philip says, clearing his throat and taking another bite of his pasta. “Yeah, we should do that.”

~

He takes a bunch more pictures before the sun sets completely, and some of the ones of Lukas by the lake with his champagne glass are so good that Philip considers them among his best. The camera loves Lukas almost as much as he does, and the whole setup is just beautiful, with the running river and the cuts and curves of the canyon all around him. They have chocolate mousse for dessert, which is ridiculously good, and another bottle of champagne, also on the house. Philip figures they’ve spent so much money that they’re just throwing in alcohol for the fun of it.

The helicopter takes them back and they get to see more of the West Rim than they did before. It’s strangely calming, being up here and seeing all this. The ride is so smooth, their pilot extremely, extremely competent, reminding him more and more of Helen with every word she says over their headphones. 

“I want a helicopter,” Lukas says, leaning into Philip’s space.

Philip can hear the pilot laugh. “Another addition to your lonely planet,” he says.

“It wouldn’t be lonely,” Lukas says, looking at him. “We’d have each other!”

“And the dogs,” Philip says, wiping some dust off Lukas’s cheek. 

“Yup,” Lukas says. “And the dogs.”

~

“Let’s make a fire,” Philip says, rubbing his hands together as they walk through the door of the cabin. “It just feels like it’s getting colder and colder.”

“Hope it doesn’t snow,” Lukas says, locking the door behind them. “Alright…let’s see if I’m manly enough to figure this out.”

Philip snorts, walking over to help him. “Our combined manliness should get us through it.” 

All the stuff they need is sitting right next to the fireplace, as well as a step by step list of how to do it for all the idiots like them, and after about twenty minutes of following instructions, adding more logs and bits of newspaper, their fire comes to life. 

“Well that was way more steps than they have in the movies,” Lukas says, immediately taking his pants off.

Philip laughs, watching him. After a few minutes he does the same, peeling off layers until he’s just in his undershirt and his boxers, situating himself by the fire there, on top of the rug. He braces his elbows on his legs and starts rubbing his eyes, feeling all the exhaustion burn in red circles. The fire feels good and he likes the way it sounds, crackling, the logs and newspaper breaking apart and shifting. 

“You okay?” he hears Lukas ask.

Philip is trying to be okay. Lukas is okay, so he should be okay. He really doesn’t wanna fuck up their last day by continuing to give in to his panic, and he thinks he did alright on the helicopter ride and on the canyon floor. He keeps rubbing at his eyes and grunts a little in response, and then he feels Lukas sitting down in front of him and putting both hands on his knees.

“That doesn’t sound okay to me,” he says. Then Lukas’s forehead is pressed to his, and Philip sighs. Lukas runs his hands up and down Philip’s arms, and then he peels his hands away from his face, twining their fingers together. “Talk to me, babe.”

“It’s just the same shit,” Philip says, swallowing hard. He feels really warm on his right side.

“You need to talk about it,” Lukas says. 

“I don’t wanna have…ruined the trip,” Philip says. 

“You haven’t,” Lukas says. “Not at all. It’s not ruined for you, right?”

“No,” Philip says. “But I’m just…I can’t…I can’t get out of my own head. I’m sorry.”

Lukas hushes him a little bit, rubbing his thumb back and forth across Philip’s skin. “No sorry, you know I get it. It’s…it sucks, it sucks, but—”

“I just have two of those moments, now,” Philip says, straightening up and pulling back, looking at him. The shadows of the flames are dancing on Lukas’s face, and he looks thoroughly depressed. “And I’m trying to be chill and not…freak out, but you’ve given me an environment where I’m allowed to freak out and let you hold some of the weight too, so I’m like…caught in between freaking out like you’ve always let me do and holding back like I always forced myself to do. But I don’t wanna freak out. I don’t want to, because this has been so special and perfect and I don’t want…I don’t want to…”

“Philip, just breathe,” Lukas says, cupping Philip’s cheek. 

Philip shakes his head. He can’t get his thoughts together. He just tries to get back to his main point. “I just….this is sitting up there with when I saw you get shot out of the air now. Both times you’re falling, both times I’m too…too far away. Both times you came so close to dying, both times I came so close to a life without you, but now it’s…now it’s so much worse because we’re so…so much deeper than we were then.” He sighs, sucking in a breath. “I could have lost you. Again. Right in front of me, in the middle of what’s supposed to be a normal fucking day.”

“Listen to me,” Lukas says. “It happened. And I get it—I would be goddamn losing it if it had happened to you, I’m way stupider, I probably would have thrown myself down the side right after you and kept going over the edge—”

Philip sucks in a breath.

“—but you can’t think of it as almost losing me. You gotta think of it as something…someone was protecting me, again.”

Philip looks up at him, meeting his eyes. 

“I’ve had a lot of luck, for all the dumb shit I’ve done,” Lukas says, touching Philip so gently, so tenderly. “Getting you, after all the horrible, horrible shit I did to fuck you over, to fuck us over. Somehow, I was lucky enough for you to forgive me, to love me anyway. And I was lucky enough to one, survive being shot in the chest, and two, survive being kidnapped and almost killed, again. And now this. I fall off a mountain. Philip, do you hear how dumb that sounds? Me. I fell off a mountain.”

Philip can’t help laughing at the way Lukas is enunciating the sentence, and he blows out a sigh. 

“And I lived. No scratches. Nothing. My legs hurt worse from riding the damn bull. I was lucky, again. So yeah…it was dangerous, it fucking sucks because it was scary, for both of us—”

“I just can’t lose you,” Philip says, his throat tight. “I can’t live without you—”

“You won’t,” Lukas says. He grabs at Philip then, with purpose, tugging him into his lap. He wraps his arms around him tight and Philip feels dizzy with emotion, grasping at him, trying to get as close as possible. Lukas presses his mouth to Philip’s neck and draws in a breath. “Something out there is keeping us together, no many how many fucking bullets find me, no matter how many mountains I fall off of.”

“No more,” Philip whispers, kissing Lukas’s head. 

“Nope,” Lukas says, hands running up and down Philip’s back, wrinkling his shirt. “I’ll be bubble boy for you, baby.”

Philip laughs, arching his neck.

Lukas kisses him there, along his trembling heartbeat. Lukas’s kisses are slow and deliberate, and Philip’s eyes flutter closed. “I’ll hire a guy to do everything for me,” Lukas says.

“All these fantasies,” Philip breathes, twisting his hands in Lukas’s hair. “We’re living a very expensive life.”

“Dare to dream,” Lukas says. 

“But for real,” Philip says, licking his lips and making Lukas look at him again. “For real. We can’t let the stupid flukes get us. We gotta be careful. Careful, always, no matter what we do.” Philip kisses him, fast and sure. “No matter what…is protecting us…we gotta have some hand in it, too.”

Lukas nods at him. “I swear. No more dumb shit.”

“No more,” Philip says. “I love you. I love you so much.”

Lukas tugs at him, running his hands up and down his back again. He does it slowly, maintaining eye contact. “I love you,” he whispers, and his voice breaks a little. “You’re my whole damn life, Philip. I’ll never leave you, ever. I’ll fight anybody and anything that tries to take me from you.”

Philip kisses him again, but this one isn’t quick and it isn’t chaste. He sinks his tongue into Lukas’s mouth and kisses him how he likes to be kissed, methodically, holding his face in his hands and moving in his lap, back and forth. He shudders at the way Lukas touches him, his fingers dragging along Philip’s skin as he pushes the material of his shirt up his back. The fire is making Philip sweat, and his mind is foggy. Loss, Lust, Lukas.

Their kisses get deeper and they angle their heads for better access, and Lukas moans into Philip’s mouth, holding him so tight that Philip sorta feels like he’s gonna pass out. He pushes down and grinds against him, getting harder and harder with every jut of his hips, and he knows Lukas is right behind him. 

He holds up his arms and Lukas pushes his shirt off, throwing it towards the bed. He quickly takes off his own shirt and then meets Philip in another kiss. Philip covers the spot on Lukas’s chest where the scar is, like he always does when he wants to mute the memory. He presses his hand to it, the love and life lines on his palm surely crisscrossing with the scar, batting it down.

They’re both moving like there’s something in their blood, touching each other tight and rough, and Philip arches, Lukas’s big hands spanning good distance on Philip’s back as he holds him up, tracing kisses up and down his chest. He sucks at Philip’s nipple, bites at it, growls a little bit and the wet spot on Philip’s boxers gets bigger and bigger. He pushes it down against Lukas’s thigh and straightens up a bit, tangling his hands in Lukas’s hair again. 

Lukas tightens his hold on him, his hands on Philip’s ass now, and he bites at Philip’s collarbone, breathing hot there. “I remember what it was like,” he says, his voice coarse and sharp. His fingers whisper over the elastic of Philip’s boxers, a promise of what’s to come.

“What?” Philip asks, running his hands all through Lukas’s hair and messing it up entirely. He loves mussing him up.

“The first time,” Lukas says, dipping his tongue into the hollow of Philip’s throat. 

“Oh, do you?” Philip says, that fond smile appearing on his face, that _you’re mine and mine alone_ smile that crops up when he doesn’t expect it to. “I’m pretty sure you were on a lot of drugs.”

“I remember every single moment,” Lukas says, sucking on Philip’s throat, “of every single time.”

Philip tips his chin up and kisses him again. They’re fused at the mouth, trying to peel off underwear, and Lukas nearly tosses Philip’s boxers into the fucking fireplace, he’s so distracted. Both of them descend into a fit of giggling, hugging and touching and kissing and Philip is suddenly filled with happiness, the kind of happiness only intimacy with Lukas can provide. 

“I’ll never get tired of this,” Philp breathes, against the corner of Lukas’s mouth.

“What?” Lukas asks, holding Philip’s face in his hands, rubbing their noses together.

“This,” Philip says, tracing his hands back and forth across the span of Lukas’s shoulders. “Us.”

“Good,” Lukas says. “We’re married. No takebacks.”

Philip laughs again. “Okay, I’m gonna need you—”

“You’re gonna need me?” Lukas says, kissing him again, thumbing over Philip’s bottom lip. “Like…in the future?”

“Lemme finish my sentence,” Philip says, but then he smashes their mouths together so there are no sentences, no nothing, only an exchange of moans and groans and hands roaming all over each other’s bodies. “Need you inside me,” Philip whispers. 

“Like this?” Lukas asks, eyes bright and imploring. 

“Yeah,” Philip whispers, a small smile on his face. “You know it’s my favorite.”

Lukas smiles too, laughs, and then gets that concerned look on his face. “The luggage is a little behind us,” he mutters. “By the bed. Lube’s back in there.”

“Okay,” Philip says, kissing him again. “Switch around and face the other way—my whole right side is on fire.” He gets up on weak legs and palms himself, rushing over to Lukas’s bag and digging the bottle of lube out of the top compartment. When he heads back he sees Lukas is facing the other way and Philip straddles him again, Lukas’s arms quickly pulling him in. 

Lukas covers his fingers in lube and kisses Philip while he opens him up. Philip wraps his hands around Lukas’s neck and doesn’t keep quiet, letting out every little whimper and hitched breath that sneaks up on him. Lukas hits his prostate and Philip arches his neck back, nearly choking, his eyes rolling back in his head. 

“Gorgeous, fucking gorgeous,” Lukas mutters, kissing along Philip’s jaw. “God, _baby_.”

“Baby,” Philip answers. “Sugar.”

Lukas moans, loudly. 

Philip laughs, panting as Lukas works up to three fingers.

“You like me?” Lukas asks, against the rapid pulse in Philip’s neck. 

Philip’s brows furrow and he shakes his head, another splitting smile tugging at his mouth. “Yes, idiot,” he says. “Yes, yes, yes, the most like—the ultimate—I fucking love you.”

“Good,” Lukas says, pulling his hand back. He kisses Philip again, three fast ones and one long and deep, a distracting kiss, and Philip is throbbing with want. “You ready for me?” Lukas asks, when he remembers what they were supposed to be doing. 

“Yes,” Philip says, and he nearly kisses him again before he realizes how easily it diverts Lukas from the task at hand. 

Lukas puts his hands on Philip’s hips and Philip raises up, getting in position, and then Lukas guides him home. He relishes that initial burn, the resistance and then acceptance, the good full, full feeling as Lukas pushes the rest of the way in until Philip is seated in his lap. Philip gasps, his heart beating everywhere, and he leans in, wrapping his arms around Lukas and pressing them together closer. He buries his face in his neck and breathes hard. 

“You okay?” Lukas asks, rubbing his hips and his back, stroking his thighs. 

“Yes,” Philip says, his chest heaving. “I just want…I just wanna be close to you.” He moves a little bit and moans, kissing Lukas’s neck. He hugs him, holds him, sighs contently again as Lukas traces patterns into his skin, whispers promises, presses his thumbs into Philip’s dimples and kisses him everywhere he can reach. 

Philip pulls back so he can look Lukas in the eye and he rolls his hips, watching Lukas’s mouth drop open. Philip starts riding him, holding on tight, and they usually don’t hold eye contact for this long, both of them getting overwhelmed writhing around, kissing and biting. But now they’re just staring, Lukas with that open, aching expression, and it tears Philip’s heart in half. He doesn’t give himself much credit in his life but he knows he brought this boy out, this beautiful, gorgeous boy that was buried under self-doubt and pain and society’s expectations. Philip is so fucking happy that he was able to pull Lukas out of his shell, out of the cocoon he’d built around himself, because now they have this. This honest, caring, self-assured person who’s proud of who he is. Who gives love like it’s his life force, who shares these emotions like the precious things they are. 

Lukas is a goddamn angel.

They breathe hard through their mouths as Philip keeps rolling his hips, grinding down onto Lukas’s dick. He clenches around him, his eyelids fluttering. The fire crackles and thrashes, warming their bodies and making them sweat more than they already are. Lukas’s eyes flick down to Philip’s lips and Philip licks them, slowly. Lukas can’t stand it, leans in to kiss him. He pulls him closer, strong forearms pressing against Philip’s lower back, and Philip’s toes curl, his legs sore from how they’re bent behind Lukas. He vibrates with want. 

“Can’t believe you’re mine,” Lukas whispers, thrusting up into him. 

“Oh fuck,” Philip moans, losing his head, unable to focus. Sparks catch in his joints and in his veins, everything feeling too fucking good. The friction between them is insane, Philip’s cock rubbing against Lukas’s stomach. If he had a belly button ring in, Philip probably would have come already.

“Can’t believe I have you, you, you—someone as beautiful, fucking beautiful as you—” Lukas thrusts up again and Philip tries to match him, his nails digging into Lukas’s neck. 

“You’re beautiful,” Philip says, mindlessly, that fiery static starting to race over his body, everything boiling up inside him. A line of sweat drips down Philip’s temple and Lukas leans in tight, licking it up. Philip arches his back and presses their chests together, grinding down hard. 

Lukas takes hold of Philip’s cock, trying to strip him in time with his thrusts. He knows just how to touch him, his grip tight, his fingers sliding along the vein on the underside, thumb brushing over the head. They’re moving fast now, both of them moaning into each other’s ears, and Philip can’t stop trying to touch him everywhere, trying to lean into his hands and grind down onto him and he can’t decide what feels better, can’t focus, can’t think, everything is hot and on fire and Lukas is bathed in red light and he’s the most beautiful thing in the fucking universe. 

“Oh God, Lukas,” Philip gasps, trembling and clinging to him. His touchstone, the one thing keeping him together and tearing him apart.

“Philip,” Lukas answers, still jacking him off, reaching down to squeeze his ass. “Philip, I love you.”

Philip rises up and down again but his hips are stuttering, struggling to maintain their pace. “I love you,” Philip groans, Lukas’s dick pulsing inside him. “I love—I love you—” His pleasure finds him and he whites out, can only shake and writhe as he comes apart. Lukas is right behind him, gasping against Philip’s cheek as he fills him up, their bodies as close as they can possibly be.

Lukas touches him softly as they come down, drawing his hand up Philip’s back in a soothing line, tracing his spine and making him shiver. He takes the hand that was around Philip’s cock and makes a meticulous move, dragging his fingers along his lips, his tongue darting out to meet them. His chest heaves the whole time, his eyes hooded but intent, and Philip nearly passes the fuck out. He groans, moving forward and mouthing at Lukas’s cheek.

“You taste really good,” Lukas whispers. “So glad I’m the only one that gets to taste you.”

Philip shivers again, so warm and stated, safe in Lukas’s arms. “Me too.”

~

They clean up, try not to ruin the rug and get some kind of gross fee, and then they move to the bed. They don’t have to check out until noon tomorrow so Philip isn’t worried about staying up a little later. They relax in each other’s arms and trace over each other’s faces, their legs tangled up under the covers. The fire is still going but it’s running low now, little snaps and breaks few and far between. 

“Do you remember the day we first met?” Lukas asks. His eyes look outrageously blue right now, and Philip watches him swallow. He runs his fingers over Lukas’s throat.

“You mean the day when you were stalking me around the convenience store?” Philip says, smiling.

Lukas blushes. “Yeah, that day.”

“Of course,” Philip says. “You were trying to be so cool—”

“And failing, absolutely failing,” Lukas says, grinning and shaking his head. He rubs back and forth along Philip’s chest. “I kept trying to keep my distance but it was just….impossible. It was like we were tied together and once I saw you I knew it, and I just kept being tugged towards you even though I didn’t know anything about anything yet, even though I was like, terrified—”

“You looked so cute,” Philip says, flashing back to that moment, Lukas’s wild eyes. He grins, scooting closer, still touching Lukas’s neck. “ _I know you, right?_ ” he says, in a bad imitation of Lukas’s voice.

Lukas rolls his eyes and pokes him in the stomach. “I almost said my own name wrong, that’s how fucking nervous I was.”

“You were real slick when you asked for my number.”

Lukas shrugs, a smug little smile on his face. “Had to get it done, you know, had to close the deal.” His smile falls a little bit and he meets Philip’s eyes, a new kind of sincerity in his expression. “Could you tell I was gay?” he asks, nervously. “Like…did you know? I don’t think I’ve ever really…asked that. Because I’m sure my vibes were like, all over the place—”

“I wasn’t sure,” Philip says. He remembers the instant attraction. Lukas is, and was, something else. The kind of good looking that stopped him in his tracks. “I hoped, but I…I wasn’t gonna expect anything. Not in Tivoli. Felt like I had stepped twenty years into the past when I first moved there, so I wasn’t…I wasn’t expecting the first guy I had a crush on to actually be gay.”

It looks like there are apologies on Lukas’s lips, which Philip hates at this point. He forgave him a long, long time ago. It was worth it. But Lukas seems to know better by now, and he leans in with a kiss instead, hands pressing to Philip’s lower back.

“I was lucky,” Philip breathes out, when the kiss breaks. 

“We both were,” Lukas says.

~  
~

Despite the fall and the terror it caused them both, Lukas is really sad to go. They repack everything and straighten up, and then Lukas insists on an impromptu photoshoot in every room of the cabin so they can remember it all. They grab lunch at the cafeteria and then they head back towards the airport.

They talk about the races Lukas has coming up in the next month, their plans for Valentine’s Day, the protest that Philip is gonna take pictures of at the end of February. They’ve got so many plans that Lukas hardly knows what to do with it all. He thinks about their past often—their conversation last night cropped up those feelings again, how he hates Old Lukas, that guy that hurt Philip so much and got them both into so much trouble. But he knows Philip doesn’t want to hear him ragging on himself anymore, and he tries to remember the things Philip says—that it wasn’t him, that he was scared, that he had been broken down by all the expectations people put on him, that he put on himself. Lukas knows it’s true, knows Philip is right, but it’s just hard sometimes, to put himself behind his own eyes back then, when his head was so foggy and he was on the defensive. 

_You found your way out from behind it all_ Philip always says. _I took your hand and you found your way out._

Philip saved him. They saved each other. 

“Lukas,” Philip says, reaching over from the passenger seat and grabbing his shoulder. “Are you crying?”

“No,” Lukas says, tearing up, and it’s the dumbest and most embarrassing thing ever because he’s thinking of them like a fairy tale, like a story they can tell their kids one day, and that makes him sob. “Not crying.”

“What’s wrong?” Philip asks, laughing a little bit, leaning across and kissing his cheek. “Are you sad the trip is over?”

“Yes,” Lukas says, because he literally can’t say the fairy tale thing out loud without crashing the car out of embarrassment. He still looks stupid, seemingly crying over a vacation being done, but at least it’s not the lamest and stupidest thing ever, crying because his mind presented himself and Philip as two princes who had to save each other from their own personal dragon, and demons along the way.

So, so dumb. But so, so true.

“Don’t worry, babe,” Philip says. “We’ll get our passports, so we have them when we wanna start going out of the country. Then we’ll start picking places to go around here.”

“Colorado,” Lukas says, looking over at him.

Philip wipes at Lukas’s eyes, getting rid of the tears. “Yes,” he says. “Finally, we’ll do that.”

“Let’s make it a road trip,” Lukas says. “That doesn’t have to be the first thing we do, it’d probably take a lot of planning, but…I’d like to do that.”

“Yeah?” Philip asks, brushing his hair back.

“Yeah,” Lukas says. “You want to?”

“Of course,” Philip says. He smiles, and echoes Lukas’s words. “I wanna go everywhere with you.”

~

They return the car, fly to Phoenix, and get a little tipsy in the airport bar waiting for their layover flight. They’re both drinking margaritas and Lukas always thinks Philip looks so cute when he’s drinking these girly drinks, how he sticks the straw in his mouth and turns his head to the side, really concentrating on every sip. Lukas takes more and more photos of him than he probably needs. 

“How many pictures do you think you have from the trip?” Lukas asks, scanning through the ones on his phone.

“Probably a million, between my phone and my camera,” Philip says, licking some of the salt off the rim of his glass. 

“A million, good number,” Lukas says. He brings one up that another tourist took of them, standing off to the side of the waterfall, after they’d made out under it. They’re both wet and hugging and grinning so wide. Lukas loves it. 

“You want me to get your blanket out of the bag so you aren’t whining on the flight?” Philip asks. “Big baby.”

“Yes, please,” Lukas says, taking a moment to admire the veins in Philip’s arms. “Did you message Angela?”

“Yeah,” Philip says, reaching down and unzipping Lukas’s bag, dragging the blanket out. “She’s got all their stuff ready, so they’ll be in the car when she comes to pick us up.”

“Good deal,” Lukas says. Another message from his dad pops up at the top of the screen and Lukas rolls his eyes. “Dad says to snag him one of those eye masks they give out on the plane.”

Philp snorts, bundling the blanket up on his lap and leaning back over the bar to take a drink. “Okay,” he says. “We can do that.”

~

They’re right at the front of the plane because they paid for the extra leg room, and Lukas has the blanket wrapped around him. Philip is tucked up against his side, reading some book about a band with super powers that he bought in the airport. He seems really into it, so much so that Lukas is a little loath to interrupt him.

But he does anyway. “Do you think I should tell them?”

“About the fall?” Philip asks, reading his mind.

“Yeah.”

Philip sighs, tapping the book’s spine on Lukas’s knee. “Probably,” he says. “I mean, after keeping the last secret I’m a little wary of having more secrets. I mean like big secrets. Little ones, whatever, we’re adults.”

Lukas is really dreading the idea of telling them. He can already see Helen’s face. “They’re gonna be paranoid about every move we make.” 

“They’re definitely already that,” Philip says. 

“We just gotta tell them the right way,” Lukas says. “We’ll go visit, dress the dogs up and make ‘em real cute and distracting, I’ll cook something amazing, with practice at home so I can really kill it, and then I’ll just like…say it. Chill. ‘Yeah we saw a waterfall, took a helicopter ride, I fell off a mountain, we went to a photography studio…’”

Philip laughs, turning his face into Lukas’s shoulder. “Yeah I’m sure that’ll go over well.”

Lukas shrugs. “They’re just gonna have to deal with it,” he says. 

“Yup,” Philip says. “We’re adults now, weirdly enough. No more school, no more college.”

“No more college,” Lukas says. “Out into the real world now.”

“Never falling off another mountain again,” Philip says.

“Ever,” Lukas says, leaning his head on Philip’s. “Not ever.”

~

They land after what feels like forever, and Angela is waiting for them in the same place she dropped them off a few days ago. The dogs climb all over Lukas in the back seat, licking and smelling him like he’s been to some foreign country. They tell Angela about the fall, and she laughs at Lukas, telling him how dumb he is, while acknowledging Philip’s feelings at the same time. 

She takes them through a drive through to grab dinner and then drops them back at home, after making plans to go out for drinks on Saturday. They fumble up to their apartment, with the dogs and all their bags, and as soon as they get inside they drop everything by the door and lock it, letting the dogs off their leashes. They instantly go running to their favorite seal toy, which is lying innocently by the laundry room door, and Lukas takes Philip’s hand, dragging him over to the couch. Both of them collapse down in a heap, leaning into each other’s space. 

“Overall,” Lukas says. “A very successful trip.”

“Yeah,” Philip says. “Overall.”

“Happy honeymoon, babe,” Lukas says, kissing his forehead. 

“Happy honeymoon to you too,” Philip says. He squeezes Lukas’s hand, kissing his knuckles. 

Lukas never thought he deserved a life like this. A life where he’s so solidly supported by someone who loves him so much, someone who he’d go to the moon and back to protect. Someone whose happiness defines his own. He feels like he’s floating on air when he realizes that Philip is his partner, in everything, for always. He did something right. He found his way out of the darkness, Philip lead him out. And now he’s reaping the rewards. 

They’re together. They’re safe. They may make mistakes still, but they make them together. And with Philip, Lukas is still growing every day.

Lukas looks around at their apartment—the dogs playing in the corner, his list of recipes on the fridge, all their photo booth pictures set up there with magnets. Philip’s photography framed on the walls. Their art project full of all the keychains Lukas gathered on the circuit, over by the front door. The walls they painted themselves, the couches they picked out, the TV they’ve shouted over and had to fix way too many times. The dark room where Philip works his magic, the coffee table with too many bottle rings even though they have those coasters in the shape of pizza slices.

This is them. 

“We’re home,” Lukas says, rubbing Philip’s arm up and down.

“Yep,” Philip says, snuggling up closer, warm and soft and everything good in the world. “We’re home.”

**Author's Note:**

> Well, that's a wrap on college verse. Thank you to all of you that have stuck with me until this moment, continuing to leave me kudos and comments even though I kept this up long after the show ended. This fic is dedicated to you guys. Thank you for your constant support.
> 
> I don't count out possibly adding to this if I get other ideas, but do take solace in the fact that these two are definitely still out there living their lives, ridiculously in love. PHILKAS FOREVER.
> 
> Thank you so, so much for making it through this massive series and this huge, 63 page, 26k finale. Let me know what you think <3


End file.
